Planet Football: Ever been torn between going to a match or staying at home to see Coronation Street? Well, if your club followed the example of Fenerbahce and their new 1907 stand, you'd be torn no more - every seat in the stand has a television installed on the back. How brilliant is that?

Quotes of the week

"If they can put a man on the moon then surely we can beat Chelsea."

- Middlesbrough captain Gareth Southgate before Saturday's game. Cripes, how we laughed.

"I suppose I have to live like a monk for a while to show that I am committed to winning myself a longer contract."

- Robbie Fowler threatens the livelihoods of Liverpool's nightclub owners.

"Fowler was so good at 18, and four, five years later, at 23 or 24, finished, not even playing for England, not even for the best teams. Finished. Completely. Out. Why?"

- Eric Cantona pays a roundabout non-tribute to Liverpool.

"I have been watching videos of myself to try to become a better player."

- Chelsea's Shaun Wright-Phillips. Would he not be better watching videos of Ronaldinho?

"When you see a German getting his towel on the sun lounger first on holiday, it pretty much sums them up. They want to win everything, which can't be bad for your team."

- Alan McInally recommends Ottmar Hitzfeld for the Newcastle job. Surprised he didn't say Hitzfeld was efficient.

Donkey talk

Exchange of the week? No contest: the chat between Mido and Egyptian coach Hassan Shehata when the latter hauled off the former during the semi-finals of the African Cup of Nations on Tuesday.

Mido: "Why are you taking me off?"

Shehata: "Because I am the coach."

"You are nothing but a donkey!"

"No, it is you who is the donkey."

Boys, boys. Mido, of course, went on to hint that Shehata in particular and Egyptian football in general lacked, to some extent, a certain professionalism: "In Egypt they are amateurs. The manager is an amateur, the team are amateurs, the association are amateurs. They think they know everything. People can call me an arrogant Premiership player. The fact is that I am a Premiership player and they are amateurs."

More quotes of the week

"I'm still immensely supportive of Paul because I know how hard he works and how much he wants Walsall to succeed."

- Walsall chairman Jeff Bonser, the day before showing how supportive he was of Paul Merson by, eh, sacking him.

"I believe I am the best player in Africa. I am better than Samuel Eto'o, the only difference between me and Eto'o is that he knows how to publicise himself."

- Didier Drogba publicises himself.

"Newcastle should appoint Glenn (Roeder) as manager straight away because with that luck he will win the Premiership."

- An aggrieved David O'Leary after Newcastle beat Aston Villa.

"I'll say something controversial for once: what David O'Leary said is a bit spiteful. I thought Villa were very lucky to be only 2-1 down at half-time."

- An aggrieved Glenn Roeder after Newcastle beat Aston Villa.

"There's a massive moonbeam of success awaiting us."

- Rangers chairman David Murray. No sign of the moonbeam at Ibrox yesterday.

What's so funny?

"The club just doesn't get the joke," said a spokesman for Subside Sports, the online company that sells football shirts, including those belonging to a particular Peruvian club, Deportivo Wanka. Over 1,000 of the shirts have been bought by English supporters, much to the bemusement of the Peruvians. "It is very strange," a club spokesman told the Sun last week, "everyone in Britain seems to think we have a funny name."

A group of Charlton supporters are among those who have taken to wearing the shirts for the club's cup games. "Charlton's perpetually miserable performance in cup competitions is notorious and the club's failure to take them at all seriously has irked fans for quite a while," explained one Charlton fans' websites. "Having been made aware by one of our number of the Peruvian side Deportivo Wanka, quite a few of our group invested in replica shirts, for obvious reasons."

The Wankas, by the way, were a tribe that lived around Deportivo's home town of Huancayo. Good to see English football fans taking such an interest in Peruvian history.

Even more quotes of the week

"If we have to go to hell, we will go without foreigners."

- Former Athletic Bilbao president Jose Maria Arrate somewhat resistant to suggestions that the club should abandon its non-foreigner policy.

"At the last second I pulled out. When Darren was on the floor he was saying 'sorry, sorry, I dived, I did dive'. When he saw the penalty was given, he said 'all right then'."

- Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek on Charlton's Darren Bent's, em, reluctant acceptance of the award of a penalty.

"I am used to playing for a coach and supporters who prefer that you play yourselves out of trouble at the back and pass to a team-mate. At Everton it was more to do with kicking the ball as far from your goal as possible."

- Per Kroldrup, not quite pining for Goodison Park.

"Any kid who signs for Chelsea is mad if he wants to play football."

- Leeds United chairman Ken Bates. He's really missing his old pals at Stamford Bridge, eh?

Culture clash

When Fifa handed out its punishment last week to Turkey for the to-do that followed the World Cup qualifier against Switzerland last November, we noted an ever so slight difference in the reaction of the Turkish and Swiss press to the verdict.

"This is not punishment, it is execution . . . Fifa has crucified Turkey" (Aksam, Turkey). "Turkey escapes" (L'Express, Switzerland). "Fifa did not see the tears in our eyes. We were nearly expelled" (Milliyet, Turkey). "Verdict is ridiculously soft" (Blick, Switzerland). "Why not just hang us?" (Hurriyet, Turkey). "Fifa: Soft verdict against aggressive Turks" (20 Minuten, Switzerland).