AGAINST THE ODDS:Our hero expands his networking skills with a bit of birdsong in cyberspace

DEEP DOWN, Vinny Fitzpatrick knew he was hamming things up and could, if suitably encouraged, take a more active role in the running of the family household in Clontarf.

But as a tsunami of TV sport approached at pace on Sunday afternoon, he felt obliged to play the convalescence card a final time.

With the lads off to Croker to see the Dubs, and Angie in the zoo with the twins, Vinny slipped deeper into his favourite chair and fixed a fleshy grip on the remote.

In terms of sporting pull, he gave the British Grand Prix two out of 10, the Tour de France seven, the Scottish Open eight and the Dubs nine – there was much to look forward to in the coming five hours.

It had been a fortnight since he’d collapsed by the furlong pole at the Curragh suffering from sunstroke and dehydration.

Initially, he had been mistaken for a drunkard – the notion had appalled him when he found out – and had been left unattended in the broiling sun for half an hour before being found by Brennie.

A spin by ambulance took him to the veterinary hospital beside the racecourse where a kindly doctor established, among other things, that his two-legged patient was an entire, not a gelding.

More worryingly, Vinny was found to have dangerously high cholesterol, and his weight was bordering on the obese.

In betting terms, it was put to him kindly that he was even money for a heart attack before his next birthday, on New Year’s Eve.

Not for the first time on the back nine of life, Vinny had been advised to take things easy and implement serious lifestyle changes.

Sure enough, he adhered rigidly to the first recommendation but his only concession to the second was to set a ceiling of six pints in Foley’s and cut out the curried chips from the Capri – he made do with a sprinkling of salt and lots of vinegar instead.

Ahead of hooking up with the lads in the cool of Clontarf's inn of happiness that night, Vinny thumbed down the TV listings in the final edition of the News of the World.

In doing so, he considered the controversial demise of a second Sunday newspaper in Ireland and feared for the long-term prospects of the industry. He was an old-style newspaper addict who loved to pore over the pages with a pot of tea and a packet of dunking biscuits.

Vinny knew the world he lived in was far different to the one in which he was reared and that most people nowadays demanded immediate information. Nearly all papers had on-line editions, as did TV stations like BBC, ITV, Sky and RTÉ.

If you wanted breaking news and sport, you could log on and get an instant fix. There was no more waiting for the morning paper to tip through the letterbox with the racing results or county cricket scores.

It was the so-called social networking sites like Facebook or Twitter which he couldn’t quite get his potato-shaped head around. Why people would want to talk about what they had for breakfast, who they saw in the pub, or where they were going on holidays, baffled him. It was mostly pointless babble.

Yet Brennie, a huge Man United fan, felt Twitter was the bee’s knees. He prattled on during the week about Rio Ferdinand’s tweets on his life and times at Old Trafford. “They have a news content and a pass-along value,” insisted Brennie.

Vinny didn’t think so; he thought Brennie was merely eavesdropping.

To Vinny, a tweet was birdsong, nothing more, and yet a part of him felt intrigued.

As the engines hummed on the grid at Silverstone, Vinny hauled himself from his comfortable cockpit and waddled into the study where Angie kept her computer.

He tapped in his password – Goodison. When the internet came up, he keyed in “twitter” and held his breath. He was asked to register and he nervously keyed in a password – Goodison – and a user name – VinnyFitz.

A box came up under the words “What’s happening?” Intrigued, Vinny moved the arrow into the box and began to tap. “Hi. Anyone betting against the Dubs today?”

He paused briefly before pressing the “Tweet” button and sending his comments into cyberspace.

Emboldened, he clicked “Who To Follow” and allowed his fat fingers hover nervously over the search box. He felt like an intruder.

He remembered Brennie and felt it was safe to type in “Rio Ferdinand”. Up came the Twitter profile of rioferdy5. Vinny was astonished. Ferdinand had 1,261,133 followers and he’d posted more than 6,500 tweets.

Briefly, he scanned through the top dozen or so of Rio’s ramblings; they left him under-whelmed.

Back on his home page, Vinny spied a reply to his maiden tweet. It was from @Pikeman98: “Wexford are gonna have the Jackees guts for garters today.”

Enraged, Vinny hit back. “The yellow bellies have two chances, none and none at all.”

Within 20 minutes, it seemed as if half of Wexford was in rebellion against Vinny as he was bombarded with angry tweets. One from @OilgateOllie stung. “Dubs over-rated. Not a top six team, a bit like Everton.”

Vinny felt rising bile at the invective towards his heroes either side of the Irish Sea, but he checked himself. The tweeting barbs weren’t personal – he had to remember that.

Even so, as events at Croker unfolded, Vinny felt @Pikeman98 and @OilgateOllie would have the last laugh.

At one point midway through the second half, the Dubs looked goosed. But a jammy goal, then a damned good one, got them out of trouble and nailed down another Leinster title.

After the game, tweets from followers of @Pikeman98 and @OilgateOllie were relayed on to VinnyFitz.

One from @KildareStanley was cutting, if possibly on the mark. “Blue-rinse boys to fall short again. Geezer would win them Sam, Gilroy won’t.”

Vinny was tempted to reply but thought against it; he was starting to think he was better suited to observing than taking part. It was a role which he had perfected in Foley’s for more years than he’d care to remember. Why change spots now?

Vinny's Bismarck

2pt LayAlberto Contador to win Tour de France (6/4, William Hill, liability 3pts)

Bets of the Week

1pt e-wMatt Kuchar in the British Open (Paddy Power, 40/1, top seven)

2pt winPeter Hanson to be top Continental European (12/1, bet365)