Day 16. A polar bear walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and says "I'll have a gin and . . . . tonic please". Barman says: "Why the big paws?"
I mention this only because it appeared on a World Cup internet chat site last night, one of those places where World Cup junkies go after the day's action has finished and, to while away that footie-less twilight zone between 1.0 in the morning and 7 a.m. (when the Big Breakfast brings us World Cup updates), they meet for a natter in cyberspace. Once there they tell polar bear jokes, question Kevin Keegan's parentage (Glenn from Peckham); ask for Jimmy Hill to be executed, slowly (Martin from Leicester); express their grave disappointment at Austria's exit from the competition (Wolfgang from that well known suburb of Vienna, Rapid); express their sheer delight at Austria's exit from the competition (the 12,036 who responded to Wolfgang's message) and ask if you'd like marmalade rubbed all over your . . . eh, sorry, wrong site.
And they offer to have babies with Mehdi Mahdavikia, who scored Iran's second goal against the USA (36,782 Alis from Tehran); invite Dan Petrescu to open the next Mary from Dungloe Festival (Gerard from Burtonport) and ask is there any chance the GAA could move the Munster hurling final back a week because it clashes with the World Cup final, which I'm hoping to commentate on (Ger from Cork).
Poor auld Jimmy Hill gets dog's abuse on these chat sites. Can't think why. Last night David from Beckham posted a particularly nasty message about our Jim .
Maybe David had taken offence at views expressed by Jimmy on World Cup Match of the Day, when he was asked by Gary Lineker what he thought of Glenn from Peckham's decision to drop David from Beckham. "Leaving him out of the team was Glenn saying `look, you're not perfect yet young man, you've got something to learn and I'm leaving you out, I can do without you' - that in itself was psychologically good," he declared.
(Wouldn't you love Jimmy to be your Da? "Don't you dare show any self-confidence or self-belief while you're living under my roof, ya pup ya. You're not coming out of that attic 'till you apologise for your existence, ya cocky so-andso." "But Da, I'm 52, I don't live here anymore." "Oh right, I'll get the key so.") Then Jimmy added: "It looks as if that approach worked . . . eh, we didn't get the right result (v Romania) . . . but it looks as if it worked." What are we going to do for laughs when Jimmy retires after this World Cup?
Holland v Mexico, South Korea v Belgium. Angus Loughran (aka Fantasy Football's Statto) and Jan Molby (he of that truly bizarre Copenhagen-meets-Cilla Black accent) commentating on Eurosport? Surreal. "The millions watching back home in Mexico city will have been delighted by what they have seen," said Statto. ("Oi, we're a bit chuffed ourselves," said the residents of every other Mexican city, town and village).
"HUH," said Alan Hansen, when analysing Manchester United's new £10.75 million defender Jaap Stam giving Mexico a helping hand into the second round. "Bang," said the gun Alex Ferguson pointed at his head after watching the `answer-to-all-ma-defensive-problems' display. (Was somebody sticking a pin in Ger Canning's bum every time he got to the end of a South Korean player's name? "This is the chance they've been waiting for . . . they've got it . . . it's Sangchul Yoo . . ooooOOOOOOO." Very odd). Germany v Iran, Yugoslavia v USA. Iran lost but nobody in Iran noticed, they're still peeling them off the ceilings after their win over the Yanks. Matches over. Time for Bob Wilson to launch into an in-depth interview with Ruud Gullit.
"You've played, you know, in major tournaments, Ruud - is this World Cup throwing up anything really special for the football world to pick up and follow," he asked. Ruud thought a minute then said: "I think, ah, that the good thing, what it is, is that the whole of the . . ."
"I'm going to have to stop you Ruud, sorry." Time for another one of those truly awful Vauxhall ads. And ITV can't figure out why the Beeb is still on top.
