Planet Football: Hearty thanks to Diarmuid Burke for this offering, which, we reckon, is already the chant of the season.

As sung by the home supporters at Terryland Park at half-time in Friday's Galway United v Kildare County match when United's new commercial director Nick Leeson was introduced to the crowd: "Nicky Leeson, you banker, you banker."

Sky's papal bull about Sam

There we were on Tuesday, watching Sky News, trying to figure out quite what the grey smoke over the Vatican signified when it finally turned white-ish. So, the speculation began: who was the new Pope? We weren't sure ourselves but we reckoned it would most probably be a big, charismatic, high-profile, towering figure of a character, who'd enjoyed a bit of success of late. We thought Sky was a bit wide of the mark, though, with its prediction. Granted, he's had a great season, but did the channel really expect to hear: "Habemus Papam! Big Sam! Allardyce!"?

Incidentally, our correspondent in Tasmania ... we lie, we don't have one, but it sounded impressive. What we do have is a contact (hello, GK) who has a relative in Tasmania who reported that Australian Rules football fans were upset by the delay in televising games because of the extensive coverage of the Pope's funeral.

"Why delay the games by showing the Papal funeral when everyone knows the result," asked one complainant. As we said to GK, with priorities like that, is it any wonder the Aussies rule in sport?

Quotes of the week

"The only question I would ask him is does he want to end up like me - grey, twisted and angry?"

- Steve Bruce tries to warn Roy Keane off a career in management, but after a season playing alongside Quinton Fortune and Cristiano Ronaldo, Keane is already grey, twisted and angry.

"We certainly do not believe we are 15 points worse than Chelsea. Quality-wise we actually feel we are better than they are."

- After 'Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To show his girlfriend he had guts', this was our favourite joke of the week, as told by Ryan Giggs.

"He fears to tell her he wants to live his life and become independent. His mother controls his life and controls all his money. He does not even know how much he has in the bank."

- Model Remedios Rivas after splitting with Jose Antonio Reyes. And his mother.

"It's not a war. What are they going to do, kill me? The only threats I've had this week have been from the wife for not doing the washing up."

- Harry Redknapp, preparing for his return to Fratton Park.

"It can be a hindrance when you walk into a restaurant for a quiet meal and one or two decide to launch into 'Psycho, Psycho'. I don't know if they expect me to join in."

- Stuart Pearce on every day life with that nickname.

Fishy Faroes fare for fans fete

The Faroe Islands tourist board has offered to stage a special Faroese culture night (ie, food, music, dancing and drink), numbers permitting, for travelling Irish fans on the evening before Ireland's World Cup qualifying match in June. Kevin Burke let us know 30 names have to be presented to the board for the evening to go ahead, so if you're planning on travelling to the match drop into the message board on www.foot.ie and leave your name.

What kind of food might the Irish visitors expect? Well, according to Travelocity's website, "one of the most popular treats is skerpikjot, well-aged, wind-dried mutton that requires a sharp knife and strong jaws . . . other favourites are rast kjot (boiled mutton) and rastan fisk (boiled fish). After the bloody grindadrap, a favourite is grind og spik (whale and blubber), which you should probably avoid if the slaughter of pilot whales turns your stomach. Fresh fish also features strongly in the local diet, as do sea birds, such as puffins, and their eggs".

No offence, like, but we'll be bringing ham sandwiches to the do.

Bellamy a serial text offender

According to yesterday's Sunday Mirror, when Alan Shearer returned to the dressingroom after Newcastle's FA Cup semi-final defeat by Manchester United a text message awaited him. "Your legs are gone. You're too old. You're too slow. You couldn't even kiss my arse." And the name of the sender? Craig Bellamy.

Bellamy's agent denied the player had sent the messages, claiming his phone had been lost while he was in Donegal with the Celtic squad for a charity golf tournament. Perhaps, but he does have a bit of a text message history, including: one to Graeme Souness and Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd when they tried to sell him to Birmingham ("I am Craig Bellamy and I don't sign for s**t football clubs") and another to Shearer after the pair fell out ("F***ing goody two shoes"). Is there no end to this man's unloveliness? Mind you, after his goal against Rangers yesterday Celtic fans will probably forgive him anything.

More quotes of the week

"When a club has John Terry, Ricardo Carvalho, William Gallas and Robert Huth who can believe we are interested in another centre back?"

- Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho, confirming he's about to sign Rio Ferdinand.

"They can spend all the money in the world, but they'll never have Thierry Henry."

- Arsene Wenger, confirming Jose Mourinho's about to sign Henry.

"It is impossible to match Chelsea's spending power unless we find some oil at Arsenal. I don't know why people are so surprised by Chelsea's position. They were second last year, then signed 11 players. "

- Wenger again, warmly congratulating the champions-elect.

"Southampton are below us in the table and that's where we want them to stay. I'm sure every Portsmouth fan will be eternally grateful and eternally happy if we could contribute to putting them closer to relegation."

- Portsmouth's Matt Taylor, wishing the neighbours all the best.

"I will not talk about Sir Bobby Robson - I never have done and I never will. But one of the first things I had to do when I came here was to sort out the discipline."

- Graeme Souness, kind of talking about Bobby Robson.

"It gets dark at three o'clock in Scotland. There's nowhere to go and nothing to do. I started gambling."

- Getafe goalkeeper Javier Broto reflecting on his time with Livingston, which drove him in to the arms of the bookies.

Rudi nuisance flies off handle

Judging by this story on uefa.com FC Schalke 04 general manager Rudi Assauer might just be taking the bus next time he travels with the team. "Assauer brought air traffic to a standstill after arriving late for his flight home following the 3-0 defeat at VfB Stuttgart. He tried to open the closed safety doors on the aircraft, only to accidentally hit the fire alarm and send Stuttgart airport into chaos. Police are now deciding whether to press charges against the 60-year-old for violating safety rules." Good grief.