On Thursday I received in the post an unsolicited leaflet (polite term for junk mail) from an English travel agency with details and prices for a day trip to a Manchester United game next month. It made for the kind of reading that leaves you rubbing your eyes, wondering if it's you or them who's lost the plot.
"Champions League Semi-Final: Bayern Munich/FC Porto v Manchester United. We are offering a one-day package for this crucial game as `The Reds' strive to remain Champions of Europe."
Eh?
"Flights will depart from either Manchester or Heathrow airport at approx 08.00 hours (on May 9th). Match tickets will be available through the club in the normal manner . . . or guaranteed through us at £70."
Mmm, so the Raul and Redondo Show at Old Trafford 10 days ago was but a hallucination and the combined forces of Bayern Munich and FC Porto will be taking on United, and not Real Madrid, in the Champions League semi-finals?
All the same, wouldn't you feel a right tulip if you turned up at Manchester or Heathrow airport at approx 08.00 hours on May 9th, kitted out in your Manchester United gear, all set for a flight to Germany/Portugal to see "The Reds strive to remain Champions of Europe"? (Almost as big a tulip as the lad I saw on Wednesday afternoon wearing a United replica shirt, with "V Nistelrooy" printed on the back. Friday morning in a downtown United megastore? "Err, could I have my money back please? Dodgy knee, you know.")
Anyway, the travel company in question provided a special email address for applications for the trip, and I very nearly sent them one: "Dear Sir/Madam, Thank you for offering me the chance to see `The Reds' in the Champions League semi-finals, but just thought you should know: Real wear white". Reminds me of the time the official Celtic web site was still offering tickets for the fourth round of the Scottish Cup, the day after the mighty Inverness Caledonian Thistle had beaten the Bhoys 3-1 in the third round. It was, though, amusing enough to be offered tickets I'd never asked for a fixture that would never be played just a day after receiving an email from a bemused Republic of Ireland supporter who has had difficulties buying tickets from the FAI for matches that were played and weren't sold out. Confused? So was he, after dealing with Merrion Square. Before the friendly against the Czech Republic, the supporter in question rang the FAI's credit card hotline to buy two tickets, only to be told that he'd be better off buying said tickets at the caravans located at the ground. He accepted this advice against his better judgment - after all, aren't we always told never to turn up at a match without a ticket?
So, he arrived early at the ground to discover there was just one caravan selling tickets, with one man on board dealing with a lengthy queue that "crawled". Needless to say, it was raining.
Mmm, so the Raul and Redondo Show at Old Trafford 10 days ago was but a hallucination
Our man finally reached the window three-quarters of an hour after arriving at the caravan and asked if there were any tickets available near the centre of the East Upper Stand. The ticket seller "did not reply, just peeled two tickets off the top . . . (and when asked the question again) . . . replied, rather gruffly, `The East Upper - £20 each'. He was asked the question a third time but wasn't in a position to, well, supply the information requested. Our man gave up, took the tickets given to him, left the caravan with five minutes to go before kick-off ("soaking wet and not very happy"), leaving behind him a long line of people still waiting to buy their tickets. They probably took their seats just as Mick McCarthy was giving his post-match press conference.
As he said: "If I pay this much anywhere else for a night of entertainment I know that I will at least get very good service". But, there's the rub. What is it about football associations and their treatment of supporters?
Why are the latter, on the whole, treated with reasonable civility in their daily lives but, once they declare themselves to be football supporters, it's taken that they've renounced their claim to be viewed as anything approaching semi-adult and semi-human creatures who have the right to be treated in a semi-courteous kind of way?
Our man conceded that he thought the FAI might have been "caught on the hop" for the Czech game, but then went through a similar experience attempting to get tickets for Wednesday's match against Greece.
He phoned the credit card hotline again - and was told to buy his tickets from the caravan at the ground. This, to my knowledge, is not what credit card hotlines are all about.
He politely recounted his caravan experience before the Czech Republic game, and so he was offered the chance to, instead, buy tickets directly from Merrion Square - but they would only be open office hours. He said okay and readied himself to call out his credit card details, so the tickets would be ready for his collection when he arrived during his lunch break - but the phone had been hung up before he had the chance.
(As a matter of interest: how are Republic of Ireland supporters from outside Dublin - yes, "Ireland" extends beyond Lucan, Balbriggan and Shankill - supposed to buy tickets for internationals in advance of the games if the credit card hotline doesn't function and Merrion Square is only open office hours?) "All this from an `organisation' that wants to run its own stadium," said our disgruntled man. "Please tell me that it will be better organised, and don't tell me that it is the IRFU's fault!"
Crazy stuff. But if he dealt with my English travel company friends he'd have no bother getting tickets for matches, even ones that will never be played. See you at Heathrow at approx 08.00 hours on May 9th, okay?
