IT WOULD be any father's worst nightmare. Picture the scene.

"Da? I've found the man I'm going to marry.

"Oh? He's not a Jackeen is he?"

"God no."

"Has he a few bob?"

"God yeah."

"What's his name? It's not Jason or Kurt, or something stupid like that?"

"God no. Dennis."

"That's alright then."

"Em, Dennis Rodman."

"Rodman? What class of a name is that?"

"Dunno. But watch the NBA finals on Sky Sports tonight and you'll see him. With the Chicago Bulls."

"Right. He's a firmer then? That's good. He'll have a few bob. His people might even pay for the wedding. What's the NBA? The National Bulls' Association?"

"Eh, yeah. In a sense. He's written a book too." (Don't mention it's called Bad As I Wanna Be, that the cover shows him in his nip sitting on a motorbike, or that his ex-wife Anicka wrote another book called Worse Than He Says He Is).

"That's good. An educated man. What time will he be on the telly?"

"One in the morning.

"ONE? A hard working farmer? That's very good. I think me and Dennis will get on."

And there he was. Dennis Rodman. Resplendent under a head of hair that features more colours than the rainbow. And tattoos too. Everywhere. Game six of the NBA finals, Friday night, live from the United Center in Chicago. Victory over the Utah Jazz and the NBA title belongs to Chicago and Dennis, again.

NBC's Jim Gray grabs a quick word with Dennis, pre-game. Dennis cries. It's been a tough old day. He's received an NBA record $50,000 fine for telling journalists, the Saturday before, that he was struggling with his game because of the "bleeping Mormons". Dennis had to apologise. He's had to do a lot of that through his career. He says a LOT of things he shouldn't.

It was the third time Dennis had been fined this season - he'd already had to write a cheque for $25,000 for kicking a court-side photographer in January (when he was also suspended for 11 games) and in March, he lost another $7,500 when he struck an opponent in the groin. In all, Dennis has been suspended nine times since 1992.

So he's feeling a bit emotional. Sixteen hours later - or so it felt (these American sporting events DO go on) - NBC's Jim corners our Dennis again, after the Bulls had won 90-86 to clinch their fifth NBA championship in seven years.

"It feels real good, after all the things that have been happening to me, I think that I deserve a little goodness," says Dennis.

But Jim wasn't quite prepared to let our Dennis enjoy the moment. "What about your future now Dennis, it appears as though you may, have worn out your welcome here, he says, in response to rumours that Chicago have had enough of the man who wears a t-shirt sporting the logo "I'm not gay but my boyfriend is" and who turned up on Jay Leno's Tonight Show wearing a full-length, split leather skirt and basketball shoes with eight-inch heels.

"I don't think I've worn out my welcome, I think people need to rally around me and help me out for a change instead of throwing darts at me and things like that," says Dennis, looking down on Jim from his 6ft 8in vantage point, up in the heavens.

"You cried just before the game tonight," persists brave Jim, neck craned, eyes skywards. "How much emotion has it taken out of you, this apology and what you have been through the last few days? I've taken a lot of abuse in my life and especially this year . "Much of it, you will admit, is deserved," interjects Jim, hot on the trail of a George Cross medal for bravery.

"Yeah, but I'm a human being, I've got emotions and there are only 50 many times you can pound a man to the ground," says Dennis, almost Cantona-like. "Dennis - congratulations, enjoy the moment," said Jim. Huh, too late Jim. You ruined it. Dennis looks angry.

Back in the Sky Sports studio. "If he's not back with the Bulls next season, where do you think he'll end up?" asks presenter Kevin Cadle. Guests Rob Dugdale and Vince Macauley giggle wildly. "Are web talking about a basketball club or anywhere else?" asks Rob. "Just anywhere, yeah," says Kevin. "Well it could be anywhere, couldn't it," replies Rob. "He is, um, an individual," says Vince, before everyone dissolves in to laughter. They don't think our Dennis will be back next season.

The people of Utah don't appear to WANT our Dennis back next season. Game five at Utah's Delta Centre. "There have been some complaints about the decibel level count coming from the Delta Centre, one of the loudest arenas in all of sport," said our NBC host.

Then NBC showed us a decibel, level chart, which enabled us to put the noise levels reached by the Utah crowd in to context. "A whisper = 20; ordinary conversation = 60; a telephone bell = 70; a rock concert = 120; a jet take-off = 130 and the threshold of pain (or a Charlie Landsborough record) = 140. Keep an eye on the numbers at the corner, of the screen as the introductions come forth" said our NBC man

The indoor fireworks = 110. The reception for Utah's Karl Malone = jet take-off. But Dennis's `welcome' from the people of Utah? Oooooh = when Charlie strums the first chord of What colour is the wind Excruciating. Poor Dennis.

(So whatcha think of your son-in-law to be Da? Isn't he amaaaaazing? Da? DAAAA? Ring, ring. "Hello? I'd like to report a missing person. Try all the bridges over the Liffey first. Thanks. Bye.")

It would be a little silly to say that Colin Montgomerie is the Dennis Rodman of golf. For a start Colin, to my knowledge, has never worn pink nail polish, nor hung out with Madonna. Still, Colin's caddie, Alistair McLean, and Dennis's employers, the owners of the Chicago Bulls, have a lot more in common than they might imagine. A tough life.

In fact Alistair is last week's run-away winner of the `whatever he earns, it just ain't enough' award. He clinched this prestigious prize for managing to survive his employer's bad-tempered second round in the US Open on Friday.

Bunker, bunker, rough, rough, bunker, rough, bunker, rough. It was one of those days for Colin . . . and Alistair. Some caddies get to work for Tiger, some for the Great White Shark, others for the Golden Bear. Alistair? He gets to work with the Grizzly Bear with a sore head. Poor Alistair.

(PS. Who was the first Dublin supporter to console Paul Bealin after his missed penalty in the final seconds of yesterday's match against Meath? Wayne McCarthy. See Saturday's Sports Supplement).