TV VIEW: Over on Network Two, ahead of England and France's Six Nations game on Saturday, George Hook was telling Tom McGurk the "magnificent" words of Dominique de Villepin, the French foreign minister, to the UN Security Council last week would fire de Villepin's fellow countrymen to victory at Twickenham.
Back on the BBC a grief-stricken Jonathan Davies, who'd just watched Wales lose to Italy at the Stadio Flaminio, might have concluded the Welsh had picked up on the central point of de Villepin's address: "the use of force is not justified at this time".
"I just can't believe it," groaned Jonathan, slumped in his chair, with Jeremy Guscott beside him barely able to suppress a fit of the giggles. "The forwards were totally inept, there was no commitment, no enthusiasm, no passion for the jersey, they just stood back. We didn't have the desire. We were never, ever in the game and that's really depressing."
We left Jonathan to return to RTÉ where McGurk was asking Brent Pope to select the most exciting moment of the game for Wales. He duly opted for a shot of the Welsh prop forward picking his nose on the bench.
Mind you, it didn't prove to be a great day for de Villepin's men either. By full time Hook was disgusted, sufficiently so, perhaps, to have not been offended when Simon Hoggart quoted the Sun, on BBC2's What the Papers Say, that evening: "What's the difference between toast and a Frenchman? You can make soldiers out of toast". And, "Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elysee? So the Germans could march in the shade". Mon Dieu!
Telly viewers were affronted yet again yesterday afternoon when McGurk opened Network Two's coverage of Ireland's game against Scotland by using the 'f' word. Several times. Hook used it too, brazenly, as did Pope - but McGurk started it.
Yes, McGurk and his panellists described Ireland as "favourites" to win at Murrayfield, seemingly killing hopes of ending a nine-match losing streak in Edinburgh.
Except they won, with Ireland's very own weapon of mass destruction, Brian O'Driscoll, named man of the match. This couch only rested easy, though, when Geordan Murphy crossed the line, to put Ireland 26-6 up. "Whoaaah, how about that? Ho, ho. Well, well, well," as Jim Sherwin put it. Our thoughts exactly.
"So, the Grand Slam decider is still on," John Inverdale said to Keith Wood on the BBC, prematurely previewing Ireland's meeting with England at Lansdowne on March 30th. "W-e-l-l..," began Wood, before none other than Jonathan Davies interrupted.
"You've got to play Wales first," he said. Wood tried, heroically, to look afraid, but failed.
"We'll have a look now at the Scottish back-line," said Inverdale. Davies guffawed. "And then we'll talk about the Welsh back-line," added Inverdale. Davies's jaw dropped to the floor.
A week, then, of improbable sporting results - England losing to Australia in football, Wales losing to Italy in rugby, Ireland beating Scotland at Twickenham, and the English cricketers beating Holland at the World Cup.
No sporting story, though, was more improbable than Gazza Goes to China (ITV, Friday). This programme, and this is a sure-fire prediction, will join Carry On Up The Khyber in the list of favourite cult telly shows.
Paul Gascoigne, you might know, recently signed for Gansu Tianma, who finished bottom of the Chinese second division last season. Gansu Tianma play their football in Lanzhou, on the edge of the Gobi desert, officially the world's most polluted city. And that's even before Gazza arrived.
From touch-down in Beijing Gazza wasn't happy, his spirits not raised when he found a "chicken's head" in his soup on his first night out - you have to assume the chicken wasn't very happy either.
Gazza's Chinese agent, Tony Xu, told us that "some people worry about his bad habits, probably it's the drink and too much funny", a conclusion that might have been prompted by Gazza's decision to go fishing in his hotel's ornamental pond, from which he extracted, with his rod, a coy carp, the "most expensive fish money can buy", we were told.
Then we saw Gazza ringing his pal Jimmy Five Bellies on his mobile. Jimmy told him he'd gone up a stone from 19 to 20 stones. Gazza told him he must have "more chins than a Chinese phone directory". Jimmy hung up.
Gazza did his best to adjust to Chinese life, but admitted the language was a problem. "Yiv gotta, like, pic up the langwidge as soon as passible. Even if yee ax 'em fo' a glass iv wator it teks them like haf an hoor like cos obviously they cannee understand yee - so then yee gotta finda an interpreter like. It's neet easy." To which we and the Chinese said: Pardon?
