TV VIEW:WE WERE just beginning to progress to the advanced stages of the grieving process when guess what happens? Up pops Reeling in the Years on our screens. And what year, of all years, do you think they picked? 1993. Windsor Park, Alan McLoughlin, World Cup qualification and all that. Crushed all over again. Sláinte, RTÉ.
There was, need it be said, no getting away from it. Even Newsnight and Channel 4 News covered Thierry’s handy work, although Newsnight had to use a Subbuteo set to re-enact the dastardly deed because, as Gavin Esler told us, “Sky television have now withdrawn permission from the BBC to show the pictures”.
We added Rupierre Le Murdoch to our conspiracy hit-list.
In the studio to discuss the business were David Ginola and Dara O’Briain, the former turning to Dara and declaring: “On behalf of all ze French people we are very sorry . . . we feel ashame about ze situation.”
That was very nice, as was David’s insistence that Ireland deserved to be in the World Cup. Why? Because they’re worth it.
Dara accepted David’s apology, then suggested a solution to the problem: “You go to the World Cup, but you wear Irish jerseys for the entire tournament – we could even lend you some players because your midfield needs them.”
David thought the suggestion was quite reasonable, although over on Channel 4 superchef Jean-Christophe Novelli, appearing live from his kitchen, didn’t even want to contemplate France’s presence in South Africa.
“It iz a complete disgrace and an outrage and very sad for ze Irish player. Iz it a way to be qualified? I will not support France, for sure, at ze World Cup, zat is guaranteed – I am absolutely embarrassed. Ze French should be playing basketball, frankly zey would probably do better.”
By now a knife-wielding and worryingly incensed Jean-Christophe was maiming the carrots in front of him, to the point where you guessed he’d quite like to place Thierry on his chopping board to slice and dice.
“If I do somezing wrong with my dishes I can allow somebody to complain and I will take it on ze chin and change it and not charge it,” he said, eh, calling for a replay.
On Saturday morning, though, John Motty Motson came over all Roy Keane-ish, suggesting that the Irish really had no one but themselves to blame. “And I agree with Keane,” he said, “Ireland let this game slip from their grasp.”
Quite what relevance this – admittedly undisputable – fact has to the issue at, um, hand, we’re at a loss to fathom. It’d be a bit like criticising a homeowner for failing to empty his dishwasher before his house was burgled. True, an unforgivable, slovenly blunder, but should it absolve the burglar, m’lud?
But Motty was passionate, steaming up inside his sheepskin as he spoke. “I think everybody’s got a little bit overexcited about this, we’ve had three-and-a-half days of it,” said the man who oft references Diego’s handball from 23 years ago.
Motty then told us that he’s against video technology because it’s “too complicated”, leaving us with a notion that he rings a 24-hour helpline to get advice on how to turn on his kettle.
We tuned in later to You’re on Sky Sports to hear some sense. Kidding.
“Regards this business of the Irish game, if it had been John O’Shea it would have been the other way around,” said Paul from Southgate. Gary Newbon and Tony Cascarino exchanged flummoxed glances. “Where does O’Shea come in to this? I didn’t quite follow what you were saying Paul,” said Gary, but too late, Paul was gone.
Next, John from Worksop. “I’m 99.9 per cent disabled, I’ve got no disability within my body but I’m a human being. I watch Sky Sports a lot. In 1966, England would not have won the World Cup if it hadn’t have been for the Russian linesman giving a goal which wasn’t a goal. Think about that.”
Gary and Tony had a fleeting think about John from Worksop’s point, then welcomed Irish Chris from Birmingham to the show. He was mad as heck.
“Who does Roy Keane think he is? I mean, he doesn’t even look a proper manager. Just wash your hands of him! He’s not an Irishman!” Neither is Tony, as it proved, so he just swivelled in his chair and let it go.
Later. Athletic Bilbao v Barcelona. Five minutes to go. On comes Thierry Henry. Boos filled the stadium, very briefly. “Might just be one or two Irishmen in the San Mames crowd tonight,” chuckled commentator Kevin Keatings, before refocusing on the game. Which is what everyone did at the weekend.
Looks like we’ll just have to follow Roy and Motty’s advice and get over it.
