Nobody loves Raymond, it seems. Let’s hope no harpsichord makers were watching

JUST ON the off chance the information would come in handy, we did a little research on the guillotine yesterday. Apparently it was half-designed by a German harpsichord maker, which was a heck of a career change for the fella, and was regarded as quite a humane form of execution. We noted with particular interest, though, that it was celebrated as the people’s “avenger”. Hmm.

So then, France v South Africa.

Judging by Liam Brady’s pre-match mood it seemed as though there might be some history between ourselves and the French, Chippy stopping just short of breaking in to a rousing rendition of Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika. He was at odds, too, with Ronnie Whelan, who had described the French as “a bit of a disgrace, to be fair”.

“A total disgrace,” Brady corrected him.

“They got there without any honour and I must admit I’m very pleased with what’s going on,” he told Darragh Moloney, detailing the number of times in his career, as a player and as a member of Giovanni Trapattoni’s staff, he’d been on the wrong end of dodgy decisions that favoured the French. He was, then, well up for Le Crunch Group A game, although happily he resisted billing it as the hosts against the cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

Over to ITV and Adrian Chiles was, once more, trying to lift his nation’s flagging spirits by telling them it could be worse: “You could be French”. Marcel Desailly let the barb go, as he was too preoccupied with the French selection, notably the absence of Evra, Malouda and Henry, declaring Raymond Domenech to be “compleeeeetely CRAZEEEEE!”. Like we didn’t know.

“Here come France,” said Jon Champion, “with their inflated sense of themselves.” It was, clearly, going to be a long afternoon.

Le Marseillaise. How could that not wake you from your slumber? Like a musical version of Ciarán “where’s your beeping pride?” Fitzgerald, if you like. Mind you, the anthems drew 1-1. Nkosi Sikelel’ was the most played tune on Liam’s iPod yesterday. Lovely.

Off we went. Not 20 minutes gone and, Holy Dieu, France a goal down. Then a man down. Then two goals down. Other than that, pas de probleme. When France played South Africa in rugby a couple of weeks ago they conceded 42 points, and you had to wonder if . . .

Champion reminded us that a French minister had told the squad they were letting the children of the nation down, kind of like our “think of the children, Roy” moment, but come half-time it was Marcel’s welfare that was occupying Adrian’s thoughts.

“We’re a long way up in this studio and Andy (Townsend) is trying to talk him out of jumping at this moment,” he told us.

But after encouraging him to re-take his seat, Andy kindly asked Marcel, “What’s ‘lower than a snake’s belly’ in French?”

“Le ventre du serpent,” he replied. Truly, only French could make a slithery reptile’s gut sound exquisite.

Second half. Would France reappear? Phew. Ten minutes in, here comes Henry. All we could hope was that Liam was strapped in to his Montrose chair. Malouda. Goal. Le Grande Comeback? Na. La fin.

Liam was inconsolable. Jesting. He recalled Evra’s comment about the possibility of that Paris match being replayed. “Only on a PlayStation,” he’d said.

“Well, he’ll have plenty of time for his PlayStation now,” said Darragh, bidding adieu to our vanquishers.

Evening time and Bill O’Herlihy was distraught. “Unfortunately the French didn’t make it,” he beamed, his love for Ossie Ardiles knowing no bounds when the Argentinian said bon riddance to France because “they cheated their way to the World Cup”.

“You’d be ashamed to be French, wouldn’t you really,” said Bill, taking un step trop far.

“No, I wouldn’t say that,” said Ossie.

“Bill occasionally throws a hand grenade on the desk,” said Graeme Souness, letting the new boy know his inquisitor could sometimes be an agent provocateur.

Over on the BBC Alan Hansen was paying tribute to Domenech after his last game in charge by hailing him as a “nutter”. ’Arry Redknapp opted for “disgusting” to describe his refusal to shake hands with Carlos Alberto Parreira after the game. Nobody loves Raymond, it seems. All we can do is pray that the people won’t avenge this World Cup hiccup by treating him to a humane form of execution when he gets home.

Argentina v Greece. Ossie reassured us that Diego Maradona isn’t mad. “He has a lot of bad traits and I can be all day talking about them, but he isn’t crazy. Although he has a Christian Catholic rosary, but has been at odds with the Pope, saying incredible things.”

Graeme and Gilesie nodded. Like they were in any position to argue. Crazy or not, it’s three wins out of three for the little man. Someone, it seems, is answering his prayers.