There’s probably a severe danger of us taking Roger Federer for granted, so common are his history-making exploits at this stage. It’s only when we see mere mortals attempting historic things that we realise just how useful the Swiss lad is.
Take Jamie Donaldson, for example.
On Thursday he needed just two birdies from the last two holes of his opening round at the Dubai Desert Classic to become the first man to break 60 on the European Tour. But he finished with a par and a bogey.
“It’s like me trying to get under 14 stone,” said Sky’s Richard Boxall, “every time I get near it I finish off with a packet of six doughnuts.”
When the choice is history or doughnuts, Federer resists the latter every time, Grand Slams the only sweet things he craves. And while you had to have sympathy for Marin Cilic, the ones who deserve most pity are those tasked with finding new words to describe just how useful Federer is.
Damien Meredith, head man of sponsors Kia, didn’t really try, to be honest. “Roger, I think the world’s running out of superlatives to describe you, so congratulations and well done,” he said, and that was it, he returned to his spot alongside the other 912 dignitaries at the back of the stage.
The president of Tennis Australia tried a little harder during a ceremony that lasted almost as long as the match, and she deserved enormous credit for her effort too because the arena was still giggling after she had been introduced. The look on Jayne Hrdlicka’s face told us she’s endured a lifetime of this.
It fell to Pat Cash, on Eurosport duty with Catherine Whitaker, to come up with something original.
Pat: “I discovered a new word for Roger: Featly. Featly. Look that up. It means elegant. Which is what Roger is. It pops up on my dictionary app every day. Featly.” Catherine: “As in feat?” (Or maybe ‘feet’). Pat: “No, featly.” Catherine: “Featly? Pat: “Featly.” Catherine: “That’s very useful because we are genuinely running out of words.”
Pat was chuffed with himself, concluding that, at 36, Featly Fed probably wasn’t getting better, “but he’s certainly not getting any worse”.
The crew back in the studio couldn’t disagree, when you’re winning your 20th Grand Slam title you’re not deteriorating.
“If Roger Federer was a religion, an awful lot of people would be following it,” said Annabel Croft of the tennis deity, Rob Curling awarding her the line of the day award.
The image of the day was undoubtedly that moment we saw Rod Laver in the Rod Laver Arena taking photos of Featly Fed with his phone, like he was just another Roger-loving face in the crowd.
It was far from Wet Bulb Globe Temperatures Rod was reared, but while heat stroke might have been as much of a peril as dodgy line calls back in his day, things are a little different now. With the WBGT index above the threshold of 32.5C, the decision was made to close the roof of the Arena, which didn’t go down too well with the traditionalists who reckon that an outdoor final held under a closed roof is actually an indoors final.
They have a point, of course, but it would probably be best if players didn’t drop like overheated flies on court. Still, our commentator Simon Reed described the roof-shutting decision as “PC”, which was a whole new definition of PC-ness. He did, though, stop short of describing the tournament referee as a snowflake, which was good.
Maybe on hearing that Simona Halep had spent four hours in hospital with dehydration after her final on Saturday, Simon might have reconsidered the effects of heat, possibly even conceding that it would be quite politically incorrect to risk players keeling over and, say, dying. The sponsors, for one, would be less than rapturous about it.
Such a sight would be unfortunate, although only marginally worse than the close-up of the blister on Hyeon Chung’s right foot, the one that forced him to retire from his semi-final against Federer. Those who had just finished their breakfast could only hope that the TV director ended the day with the runs.
A happier sight was the quality of tennis presented by Halep and Caroline Wozniacki ,the pair producing a string of ‘no surrender’ rallies that left the crowd gasping, much as if the WBGT index had hit 42.5C.
‘Woz of Oz,’ as Australian telly inevitably rechristened her, celebrated her first Grand Slam with much the same emotion as Featly Fed celebrated his 20th, which demonstrated the enduring hunger the fella has for these triumphs. He never tires of them. He probably didn’t even celebrate with a doughnut, there’s more history-making to be done.
