TV VIEW:STREWTH. AS the
Australian HeraldSun put it: "This was torture. Actually, it was such slow, painful torture that you wondered whether this is what it must be like to be squeezed to death by a boa constrictor." And that was one of the more upbeat Australian responses to that fair dinkum Ashes hammering, one that left BBC2's Newsnight fretting last week about the nation's ability to cope with their cricketing humiliation, seeing as "their national pride is bound up with sporting success".
Australian comedian Matthew Hardy, though, was hopeful enough that his country would pull through – insisting, in so many words, that there was a bit more to the place than Skippy, Castlemaine XXXX, hats with corks dangling from them, sizzling Sheilas and sporting prowess. He advised his compatriots to just pretend these Ashes hadn’t happened by ignoring all forms of media for a spell while replaying old footage of the Aussies liquidising England.
Kirsty Wark wasn’t convinced this would do the trick, asking Carmen Callil, the Australian-born but English-raised “publisher and cricket fan”, if “this is a kind of existential crisis for Australia?” “No, not at all,” argued Carmen. “If you look at this Australian team it’s not really Australian, it’s all white blokes with dyed prickly blonde hair and all of them are grossly overweight and unfit, I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Maybe they’re just in touch with their feminine side,” Kirsty suggested.
“No, it’s not a feminine side, it’s a sort of a puffter side,” said Carmen.
“Double Strewth,” said Kirsty’s face. “Aw jeez,” said Matthew’s.
No real answers there, then, to the ‘what the bloody hell has happened Australian cricket’ question, unless you’re persuaded by the dyed prickly blonde hair theory.
In more than several ways, Australia is now to cricket what Liverpool are to football: once very good, now a bit rubbish. Ironically enough, though, many a Scouser has argued that the latest phase of the club’s decline has coincided with Fernando Torres’ decision to bid adieu to his dyed prickly blonde hair, the makeover having much the same impact on his form as Samson’s short, back and sides had on his.
Still, they travelled to Old Trafford yesterday with hope in their hearts. Why?
“In a city where football is a religion, this is the second coming,” said ITV’s Clive Tyldesley of Kenny Dalglish’s return as Liverpool head honcho.
Alex ‘Sir’ Ferguson was no less enthused by King Kenny being restored to the Anfield throne.
“Did you ever think you’d see him back in charge,” Gabriel Clarke asked him pre-match.
“No, I didn’t, he’s been out of the game so long I didn’t expect him to resurface. But obviously Liverpool see that as the way ahead – (shrugs) – it’s their club.”
That tribute had the viewers turning off their boilers, their living rooms filled with Fergie’s warmth. Large Sam Allardyce and medium-sized Gareth Southgate chuckled heartily back in the studio, sensing that only Rome had more history than the day’s opposing managers.
Game on. Liverpool started brightly, everything going swimmingly until the 31st second when Dimitar Berbatov was brutally hacked down by the bloodthirsty Daniel Agger/when the shameless Dimitar Berbatov dived following a harmless enough Daniel Agger challenge.
Penalty. 1-0.
Barely a half hour gone and Steven Gerrard was off, after attempting to break Michael Carrick’s ankle/slightly mistiming an honest tackle. “I think it’s a little harsh, I think yellow would have sufficed,” complained Jim Beglin, before reviewing the footage. “Err,” he said, conceding the airborne lad got what he deserved.
“You’re getting sacked in the morning,” sang the Old Trafford faithful as the camera focused in on King Kenny, only 30 minutes into his second coming and already showing Roy Hodgson-esque stress levels.
Half-time. There was Stevie G on our screens promoting a hi-energy drink. It helps you finish strongly in the last 15 minutes, he told us. Devilish Reds? Behave.
Second half. Torres taken off. “Who are ya,” asked Old Trafford, perhaps not recognising the striker since he forsook his dyed prickly blonde hair.
Full-time. We’re not, it has to be said, students of body language, but we noted that in his post-match interview Berbatov scratched the back of his head while denying he’d gone down too easily for the penalty.
Back in the studio. “Sam is a student of body language,” said Ray Stubbs, “and noted that Berbatov scratched the back of his head while denying he’d gone down too easily for the penalty.” Big Allardyce nodded, which as any student of body language would tell you, indicates: “I’m smart, me.” Liverpool out of the FA Cup then, squeezed to death by the boa constrictor that is Glory Glory Man United/referee Howard Webb. Take yer pick.
