A Agents. “Alberto to Liverpool? Don’t talk nonsense. There’s no need to even speak about it because there is nothing real there. The player just extended his contract and is working towards recovery and giving his best for Roma.” So said Franco Zavaglia in July. Three weeks later? His client, Alberto Aquilani, joined Liverpool.

B Black and Blue. That's what Blackburn midfielder David Dunn has hinted Manchester City will be by the time their star-spangled line-up leaves Ewood Park today. "It's important we do our best and kick lumps out of them – fairly of course," he said.

C Cristiano. December 2008: "I wouldn't sell that mob a virus," said Alex Ferguson when asked if Ronaldo was Real Madrid-bound. June 2009: "We'll miss him," said Ferguson after he sold Ronaldo to . . . that mob.

D David O'Leary. Will he return to football this season? "I don't want to be making out that my tongue is hanging out, ass-licking to get into a job, that's just not me," he said last month. So we'll see.

E Ears. Do you remember the time Wayne Rooney got in to a kerfuffle a few years back when a woman in a nightclub accused him of having ears so big he looked like the FA Cup? Well, we thought of that incident when we read about Wayne slipping on a yacht in the French Riviera this summer and injuring his left ear – he, apparently, needed 45 stitches. That is a very substantial left ear, more Champions League trophy than FA Cup.

F Fr Wayne. "I haven't a clue what else I would have done, I wasn't really the best in school," said Wayne Rooney when asked what he'd be doing now if he wasn't a footballer. "I always enjoyed RE (religious education), so maybe a priest." The mind boggles.

G Gareth Barry. Wanted to leave Aston Villa to play Champions League football this season. So he joined Manchester City. Curious.

H High hopes. Frank Lampard tried to dampen any talk of England winning the World Cup next summer. Ish. "I'm wary of falling into the trap where people ask if you can win it, you say you can, and then expectations rise," he said. "Of course we can win it, though."

I Interesting excuse. Sunderland's Grant Leadbitter was caught speeding at 112mph on the Tyne Bridge. He told the court that he thought he was being chased by a car-load of Newcastle fans. He was wrong: it was an unmarked police car. Verdict? Guilty.

J Jermaine Pennant. Remember him? Liverpool bought him from Birmingham for €8 million in 2006, the deal proving less than fruitful when they let him go for nothing this summer. Last month he joined Real Zaragoza, newly promoted to Spain's La Liga, where he will earn €7.25 million over three years (with a free villa and car thrown in) – and that's net. The club will pay his taxes (€10,700 a week). "I had offers from important teams in Europe, but joined Real Zaragoza," he said in a tribute to his new employers on his arrival at the club.

K Kiss-off. "Obviously there are places where I would not want to go. Tottenham? Let's reject that." (Roma striker Mirko Vucinic).

L Loot. Word has it that Manchester City's wage bill this season will top the €115 million mark, which is roughly what they've spent this summer. The top earners are: Robinho (€185,000-a-week), Emmanuel Adebayor (€175,000), Carlos Tevez (€175,000), Gareth Barry (€140,000) and Kolo Toure (€140,000). Shay Given is, apparently, only on €80,000 a week. Recession?

M Mussolini. Alberto Aquilani, Liverpool's €23 million signing from Roma, is, apparently, a fan of the late Benito ("I have a few photographs and portraits of him at home"), admiring Il Duce's politics. "There are too many foreigners in the country and most of the violence and trouble you see is caused by them," he said (Aquilani, not Mussolini). Now that he's a foreigner in England hopefully he won't cause any trouble.

N No Love Lost. Alex Ferguson:"It's City isn't it? They are a small club with a small mentality." The Manchester derbies should be tasty this season.

O Ooops. In July a boy was born in St Mary's Hospital, Manchester, his United-supporting mother, Claudia Thomas, choosing to name him after her favourite player. Four hours later Carlos Tevez signed for Manchester City. Tevez Thomas was unavailable for comment.

P Poverty. Come April, Britain's rich – ie Premier League footballers – will have to pay a 50p top rate of tax, an eventuality that some, like Arsenal's Andrey Arshavin, forecast will lead to a stampede of players heading for the ports. The Russian was "unpleasantly surprised" by the news, not least because he only paid 13 per cent at home. His spirits may be raised by talk of clubs paying their stars' wages in interest-free loans. Hopefully it'll work out. You wouldn't want these fellas having to scrape by on €90,000 a week.

Q Qualification. South Africa (as hosts), Australia, Japan, Holland and North and South Korea have already qualified for the 2010 World Cup, which must be nice. Wins over Cyprus (next month) and Italy and Montenegro in October and we might just join them – or, worst case scenario, go in to the play-offs. Keep June 11th – July 11th, 2010 free just in case.

R Romance. "Alberto is the most important love story in my life, ours is a connection like one in a film – ours is a love that gives you cramps in the stomach," declared Michela Quattrociocche, the fiancee of Liverpool's Alberto Aquilani. Any one who says "a couple of Rennies and you'll be grand, love" should leave the room now. Beautiful.

S Swine flu. "After three or four days of pre-season I started feeling really tired. At that point, I thought: 'This is the way it must feel when your legs start to go.' So I was delighted when it just turned out to be swine flu." Carlisle United player-coach Graham Kavanagh. Phew, that must have been a relief.

T Transfer by Twitter. "Do I wanna go Hull City NO. Do I wanna go stoke NO do I wanna go Sunderland YES so stop f****** around, Levy. Sunderland are not the problem in the slightest . . . seriously getting p****d off now." And with that Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy granted Darren Bent his wish.

U Unwelcome interruptions. "We will have loads and loads of people away. We have got full internationals, under-21s and under-20s. We might as will invent an under-22 and under-24 competition." – Aston Villa manager Martin O'Neill on the irritation of international weeks.

V Very embarrassing. Number of requests for a shirt with Michael Owen's name and number from the Manchester United megastore in the days after he signed? None.

W Waiting by the phone. "I want Everton – it's my dream. Everton want me, and Arsenal do too, so I'm waiting. I want to play for Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea. Chelsea is my favourite. If Manchester, Everton or Arsenal come for me, I will go. It's all very, very good. Manchester is my dream: I'd join them. And I like Everton. So I'm waiting." So, who did Stephane Mbia join this summer? Marseille.

X Xabi. May: "Xabi (Alonso) has been talking about how he wants to stay here and we certainly want to keep him, so I don't think there will be any problems." (Rafa Benitez). August: "What could we do?" (Benitez after bidding adieu to Real Madrid-bound Alonso).

Y Yorkshire pudding. It's new Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti's favourite discovery since he arrived in England, so expect him to double in size before Christmas.

Z Zzzzz: The Stephen Ireland Debate. Sleep-inducing, yes, but it won't stop us talking about it until we touch down in South Africa. Okay, if we touch down in South Africa.