DEPRESSING defeats to Western Samoa and Italy gave Irish rugby fans a difficult television viewing choice to make on Saturday afternoon: the opening Five Nations' match on Network Two or The Pink Panther Show on RTE 1.

"Never again will we watch that bloody lot - they'll be murdered by the French," they howled as they decided, in the end, that the Pink Panther would be less painful to watch.

But wait. A glimmer of hope and cause for optimism emerged in the pre-match build-up when, on the BBC's Five Nations preview on Friday night, French centre Thomas Castaignede revealed a remarkable weakness on the part of his teammates.

"Sometimes I don't know. We have our head, but the brain is outside. I don't know why we can't concentrate two times." Opponents with out-of-position brains? Forget the Pink Panther, this lot should be easy to beat. An Irish victory then?

No, according to RTE's gloomy Jim Sherwin when he tried to fill Brian Ashton, Ireland's new coaching advisor, with confidence in a pre-match interview. "You have probably got the hardest job in rugby, as far as I can see. The Irish team are in disarray at the moment, they haven't won a match for ages, their performance against Italy was poor. You're really on a hiding to nothing here," said Jim.

"Thank you," said Brian. So, another Irish defeat then?

Not necessarily. On Grandstand, Jimmy Davidson was in confident mood. "What a marvellous personality the man has," he said of Brian. "The players are now listening to somebody who has a quiet voice, with a lovely gentle way of persuasion. He'll make sure we play to our strengths - with a spontaneity, almost a controlled violence that really depicts the actual culture I'm very optimistic today." A controlled, violent victory then?

Not a chance, according to the Observer's rugby correspondent, Mick Cleary, who appeared on Channel Four's Under The Moon on Wednesday. "Well, Ireland have been going down the toilet for many years now, but it's never worried them too much. I think it's an act of desperation to sack their coach a few days before the Five Nations." Okay, a lavatorial thrashing then?

These mixed messages left us confused about Ireland's prospects, but The Pink Panther Show wasn't beginning until 3.30, so it gave us time to tune in to Sports Stadium to hear what Bill O'Herlihy and the boys had to say.

Confidence levels soared when Bill showed us the shiny Five Nations trophy that awaits the winners. The English rose was already screwed in on the top of the cup, but then we saw, resting in Bill's palm, a silver rugby ball covered in shamrocks.

"Hopefully at the end of the season we'll be seeing this at the top of the trophy ... but maybe that's an expectation that's too much to fulfil," said Bill. But the mere fact that somebody had bothered to make a silver rugby ball covered in shamrocks that could screw in to the top of the trophy meant there was hope.

So prediction time on Sports Stadium. "Can we win," Bill asked chirpily?

"Today is one of those days where we hope we get out of it without too much pain," said Jim Glennon. "Na, I don't think they'll win today - it's how they lose," said Brent Pope. "So we'll get a moral victory - in other words we'll lose," said a deflated Bill.

And another moral victory it was, too. Tony Ward was happy with that. "I don't want to hear that a moral victory doesn't count - it did count today," he said as Glennon, who's had enough of these moral victories, almost collapsed in to a heap in frustration.

Jim Sherwin sounded a bit frustrated too when he conducted his post-match interviews. "The way you played the first half I was sure somebody was going to be sent off," he said to captain Keith Wood. "I thought you were close to a yellow card because the referee spoke to you a few times," he added.

"Yeah, he spoke to me, but he spoke to me as captain," said Keith, with a grin, as he chalked up another moral victory, this time over Jim. Ah, these Keith Wood post-match interviews beat The Pink Panther Show any day.

Channel Four should think about inviting Keith on to their new, all-night sports programme, Under the Moon, just to liven it up a bit. The highlight of the show, presented by Total Sport editor Danny Kelly, is the phone-in, when people ring in and talk about, well, anything. And some mighty peculiar folk rang in on Wednesday night.

Take Des for example. "Hello Des, where are you," said Danny. "Eh, I'm here thanks," he replied. "Right," said Danny. Next. David from Leicester. "Leicester are never, never mentioned anywhere. Nobody ever talks about them. I know we're nothing special, but we're not that bad surely," said an upset David.

Next. John from Coventry, who was concerned about the welfare of the hot dog seller outside Highfield Road who had set up his stall at 4.30 on Wednesday afternoon, unaware that Coventry's match against Woking had been called off. "He's got to get all these burgers and all these hot dogs cooked; he's got to go out and buy thousands of rolls; he's got to get his sausages cooked and his onions ready, and me and my wife were in fits of laughter.

"He got all this stuff ready for these supporters who weren't going to materialise because the match was called off. By the way, I think he's from Leicester.

Next. Mark from St David's in West Wales. "My grandfather used to captain Mansfield Town when they used to be called the Egg and Milk team in the 1930s," he shared with us. "But that's not why I'm ringing."

Next. Arthur from London. "You've had some very boring people ring in tonight, I have to say," he said. "Get on with it - don't add to them," said a tiring Danny. Back to the drawing board Channel Four.