Micheál Martin won the battle of the champagne bottle on Wednesday evening, cheekily nipping in and grabbing it from under the Taoiseach’s nose before smashing it across the bow of Election ‘24.
The Tánaiste and Fianna Fáil leader invited Virgin Media to his office to witness the launch ceremony.
“It’s my understanding that it will be called on Friday and we’re looking forward to it,” he smiled, breaking the bottle and the news on the channel’s 5.30pm news bulletin to the sound of weeping and gnashing of teeth from his soon-to-be former Coalition colleagues.
It was tantamount to a declaration of war.
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Naturally, the Taoiseach and Fine Gael leader Simon Harris, magnum of bubbly in hand, rushed off immediately to RTÉ where he performed a second ceremony on the Six One news. Not only confirming the Friday start but also revealing that the vote will take place on November 29th.
“Now, that wasn’t hard!” beamed interviewer David McCullagh in the studio when he finally named the date.
Simon changed his tie to a nice dark green number for the occasion. A wise move, given that the one he wore earlier in the Dáil put the wind up everyone at a time when they were still struggling to come to terms with the outcome of the US presidential election.
Red tie at night, Republicans’ delight. Red tie at morning, the Taoiseach must have got dressed in the dark. Who let him into the Dáil in that rig-out? Halloween was last week.
[ Taoiseach confirms general election will be held on Friday, November 29thOpens in new window ]
As the full import of president Trump’s stunning victory was still sinking in across Leinster House, Simon arrived into the chamber sporting the Full Donald: navy suit, white shirt and long red tie. All he was missing at his last Leaders’ Questions before his own bigly election was a Miga (Make Ireland Great Again) cap.
What was this: a sartorial statement/tribute in advance of the campaign? A signal of a possible strategy pivot in light of electoral developments Stateside?
Nobody said anything.
In fact, there was barely a mention of matters across the Atlantic until Labour’s Alan Kelly broached the subject in a roundabout and harmless way during questions on policy and legislation. He wanted to talk about the provision of a new nursing home unit in Roscrea but he couldn’t let Simon’s wardrobe choice for the tumultuous day that was in it go unremarked.
“I jest and joke,” he said, covering himself at the outset, “that it’s an unfortunate choice of tie today given the events that have transpired in the United States. I’m sure it’s not an act of solidarity with the result there. I’m sure it’s an act of solidarity with the Labour Party as we head into the election.”
The Taoiseach, looking a bit bleary-eyed, agreed. “It’s an outreach ... the tie is more outreach, maybe, to others in this House more than anything to do with America.”
In which case he would have been better off with a dolly-mixture pattern instead of just the plain Labour red. There could be many coalition combinations on the table should Fine Gael be in a position to form a government at the end of this month.
In his defence, a source in Government Buildings said Harris barely got a wink of sleep on Tuesday night as the results came in from the US, so it was a wonder he managed to put on a tie at all. The many sleepy heads in and around the Dáil on Wednesday morning would have understood.
But that Trumpian navy suit and red tie combo must have discombobulated Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald as she established what is clearly going to be a big battlefront in her party’s election campaign: “Government wastage” aka the Leinster House bicycle stand.
It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Although Mary Lou, probably up most of the night like everyone else, got slightly carried away when blasting the Government’s lack of accountability for the “€336,000 bus shelter”, fighting back a smile whilst quickly adjusting the mode of transport to the two-wheeled variety.
“The Government is a serial waster of the public’s money,” she told the red-eyed, red-tied Taoiseach, happily launching into a hit list of public profligacy she will be performing around the country over the next three weeks.
She finished with the multimillion-euro scheme to provide signal-jamming mobile phone pouches for secondary school students – “perhaps the most mind-boggling example of your waste”.
This is shooting fish in a barrel territory and the Opposition know it.
[ Phone pouch scheme will cost €2m every year as well as €9m outlay, McDonald saysOpens in new window ]
The irony of the bike-shed scandal is that this modest installation has been worth every penny of its eye-watering outlay to the Government’s opponents. It is the best thing the Office of Public Works has ever done for them and will be wheeled out on to doorsteps and into television studios and immortalised in campaign leaflets from now until the polls close on November 29th.
As for the phone pouches, Mary Lou wants to see the back of them.
“Can I appeal to you to scrap this scheme and invest that money in mental health services for our young people?”
The Taoiseach got to his feet.
“They are eating the dogs. They are eating the cats.”
Damn that red tie and navy suit.
No, he countered with a number of points he will “look forward to debating” with her during the campaign. What about that similar phone pouch scheme running in Northern Ireland where Sinn Féin is in power? “You know what, it’s costing a helluva lot more” there than here.
And the overnight events in the US were already in play. The second coming of the Trump will loom large in this election.
“You leave out the fact that this is a country running a budget surplus, that we’ve managed to put aside billions of euros to protect people from future economic shocks,” said the Taoiseach.
“I think that decision is looking even better today than it was yesterday in light of global issues.”
He didn’t have to spell it out. Everyone knew he was referring to alarmingly orange-tinged global issues, complete with tiny hands and a golf course in Co Clare.
In time-honoured tradition, the Taoiseach is, of course, standing on his record.
He will put up his Government’s performance in managing the economy and public purse against Sinn Féin’s policy of “spend it all, leave nothing for the buffer times or leave nothing if there’s any transatlantic trade shocks. A policy which, quite frankly, looks utterly foolish and ridiculous today.”
No names mentioned, but there could be some big frights coming down the tracks because of You-Know-Who getting back into the White House but best not talk about that just yet.
From bike sheds on one side to batten-down-the-hatches (now that all those extra budget payments have landed in bank accounts and the bogeyman has landed back in Pennsylvania Avenue) on the other, it’s game on now.
The phoney war of the past few weeks is well and truly over.
“We separately name this ship Election ‘24. May God bless her and only our candidates who sail in her. And, blessus and save us, may God bless America.”
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