NEWTON'S OPTIC:IN THE beginning, DUP Assembly member Edwin Poots was Stormont culture minister.
And his qualifications were without form, and void; and faces darkened for he was not deep.
Then Peter Robinson said, let there be a reshuffle: and there was a reshuffle.
And the DUP saw that it was necessary, which was a relief. And Robinson divided the MPs from the Assembly members.
And He called Poots Environment Minister, and He called the others later.
For Poots had to read his Bible before making a decision.
And the evening and the morning were a long day.
Then Poots said, Let there be a firm in the mist of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the water-consumers.
And let the firm be called Northern Ireland Water.
But that had been created already.
So Poots said, Let the waters be gathered together in one place, and let the dry land then appear.
And the gathering of the waters he called Lough Neagh, and the dry land he called Potential Development Site PPS21-5a.
And Poots saw that he had created Regional Planning Policy, and that it was no good.
And the evening and the morning were another long day.
So Poots said, let there be lights in the heavens to divide the day from the night, and let them be for signs.
But the scribes and Pharisees came unto him and said, Signage and street-lighting are not your department, although you would have overall responsibility if they were devolved to councils under Local Government Reform, which is your department, along with road safety and driver and vehicle licensing.
And that was a very confusing day.
Then Poots said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creatures that hath life.
And He blessed them, saying, Be fruitful and multiply, unless there is a sewage overflow at Northern Ireland Water due to inadequate regional planning, in which case curse them and any European fines for creatures which hath no life.
But if the effluent is from the tillers of the field then there shall be great rejoicing, for agriculture is Sinn Féin’s department.
And that was a much better day.
And Poots said, let us make a Northern Ireland Environment Agency in our own image, after our own likeness: and let it have dominion over all the things that might harm our own image.
But that had also been created already.
So Poots said, Let us have dominion over archaeology, heritage and historic monuments, except anything pre-dating the creation of the earth in 4,004BC, which is blasphemous in mine eyes.
And let us have dominion over climate change policies, except anything post-dating the destruction of the earth in the next few years, which is prophesied in mine eyes.
And the people did roll their eyes, but cried out not, for only sodomites actually care about this stuff.
Then the money-changers and the keepers of the scrolls came unto Poots and said, We need your decision on the geothermal energy project in Co Antrim.
And Poots said, This power from the fires of Hell is the Devil’s work. Therefore I shall cast you out, even unto the dole which is called welfare.
And on that day, even the tribes of Ballymena prayed that Poots would give it a rest.