Dáil Sketch:The Bull was otherwise engaged on official Dáil business yesterday morning. So the call went out for Brendan Howlin. "Send in The Calf!"
And so it was that John O'Donoghue's deputy got his chance to chair his first Order of Business in the 30th Dáil.
It was a sweet moment on a sunny autumn morning. The leas Cheann Comhairle tottered in shakily, and eased himself into the chair. He looked out from under his fringe with big brown eyes.
To his left loomed the forbidding bulk of Brian Cowen.
To his right, the blonde figure of Indakinny pawed the ground with an elegant shoe.
Ahead of him, a frisky knot of Labour deputies. They love taunting the Ceann Comhairle and his stand-ins.
Brendan used to run with the Labour herd until Bertie removed him from his brothers and sisters with the promise of nuts from The Bull's table, a personal driver, his own staff and generous expenses.
But The Calf was on his own now. On his Leas legs.
He looked a little nervous and slightly embarrassed.
Proceedings began with the usual list of requests from deputies for the adjournment of the Dáil on various "issues of urgent national importance".
A soft moo emanated from the vicinity of The Calf.
"Having given careful consideration to all the matters submitted, they are not in order under Standing Order 32."
So far, so good.
The motley assortment of old mutton, mature ham and aged beef on the Opposition benches sniffed the air, eyeing the eagerly smiling Calf, and him on his first big outing.
An agricultural snort emerged from deep within Fine Gael. "Maybe he should allow them."
Brendan smiled, anxious to please. "Deputies might be surprised as regards what might be in order," came his winsome retort.
The tough meat in the Labour ranks melted. Was The Calf holding out the promise of a less rigid application of rules?
Had Brendan's days spent bellowing against Rory O'Hanlon's uncompromising approach made an indelible impression on him?
Any thoughts of insubordination and a mass stampede through the Standing Orders were abandoned.
The Calf relaxed, his Leas legs growing more steady under him by the minute.
Fine Gael's Paul Connaughton complained his question under Standing Order 32 hadn't been called. Leas Cheann Comhairle Howlin said he would look into the matter. Paul insisted he had submitted it.
There was a dull thud from the Labour seats, the sound of former leader Ruairí Quinn delivering a warning kick on the side of the chamber cowshed.
"It would have been ruled out of order in any event," grumbled Deputy Quinn, who had been nursing hopes of getting Brendan's job when the Dáil reconvened.
His party's new deputy leader, Joan Burton, stirred herself for an opening bellow. The Calf gave a nervous swish of his fringe.
"Deputy Bruton," he mooed, getting her name wrong.
Joan, in charitable mood, said nothing.
But you could sense a little ripple of unrest among the rest of the herd.
Joan wanted to talk about the industrial dispute concerning Aer Lingus pilots. Strictly speaking, she was out of order. Brendan let her ask her question anyway, before asking if the Tánaiste wished to comment.
A baleful Biffo, who looked like he should have been tethered to the nearest rail in case he turned nasty, snorted that the Taoiseach had dealt with the issue earlier in the week.
Deputy Burton persisted.
The Calf told her she would have to find some other way to raise the issue.
Joan asked if Mr Cowen would agree to a debate in the House on the issue? By this stage Biffo was running out of patience.
The happy Calf turned an enthusiastic eye towards the Tánaiste's.
A glowering Biffo slowly turned his head towards the chair and rumbled: "The Order of Business has been set."
Brendan nodded and instantly repeated: "The Order of Business has been set for today by the House."
And that was that. He knows who is in charge. John and Brendan. Bull and Calf.
They'll make a great pairing.
