DAIL SKETCH:THINK LONG and hard, Ceann Comhairle, before you agree to switch on the Christmas tree lights today, especially if Brian Cowen is going to be there.
(Urgent note to Leinster House authorities: Don't let the Taoiseach anywhere near buttons or cables. Mark our words, someone will be electrocuted.) There's something almost supernatural about this Government. Clearly, it's jinxed.
If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong - Cowen's law.
What is a foot, if not for putting in your mouth? What is a hurdle, if not to be tripped over?
If a black cat crossed Brian Cowen's path he'd run over it by accident in the Merc.
There are another two weeks to go before the Dáil rises for Christmas. That's plenty of time for a few more disasters to hit. The Fianna Fáil backbenchers are living on their nerves.
Yesterday, Taoiseach Cowen had to come into the House and explain why the people of Ireland have had their rashers taken from them.
The pig processing industry is in crisis. Dioxins got into the food chain through contaminated animal feed.
Now the shelves are bare in the shops. Thousands of jobs are on the line.
It's not Brian Cowen's fault. He's just the unluckiest politician on the planet.
But he has to clear up the mess, assume control of the situation and reassure consumers that the problem has been sorted out.
"Our priority is to resume processing of pork and its immediate restoration to the market," the Taoiseach told the Dáil.
The turmoil in the pig industry is so serious that normal Leaders' Questions were abandoned so the issue could be debated at the earliest opportunity.
Normal hostilities were also set aside. Given the gravity of the situation, that was to be expected.
However, Enda Kenny couldn't resist prefacing his contributions by clapping himself on the back for being so selfless.
"The Taoiseach should be grateful that I have not taken a narrow political line on a matter as important as this."
Doubtless, as the sky continued to fall in on him, Brian Cowen will have drawn great comfort from Enda's charitable gesture.
He must have been quaking in his boots at the prospect of a savage gnawing from Kenny.
When news emerged that dioxins had also shown up in some cattle, the situation deteriorated. Rural deputies feared the worst.
Cowen, who must be finding it very hard to get out of the bed these mornings for fear of what fresh hell awaits, did his best to downplay the implications for the beef and pork industry.
Deputies rallied around. "We all know someone who had rashers and sausages for breakfast on Sunday," declared Sinn Féin's Martin "Full Irish" Ferris, in no mood to decommission his fry.
Labour's Willie Penrose said he was going to go home and eat a big steak. (That's not a first.) Patriotic dining is where it's at.
Although some drew the line in the Dáil restaurant at teatime, when the rashers and sausages were withdrawn and replaced by a tray of liver.
When this is all over, the Government will probably commission consultants to tell them what went wrong. (That's easy - liver should be lightly fried, not overdone.) Time for another Bacon report?
Thank God for the political women of Leinster House, who brought some colour, optimism, common sense, wisdom and good cheer to the chamber when they gathered to celebrate the 90th anniversary of the election of the first woman to Dáil Éireann.
It was a wonderful event. Afterwards, high on dioxins, the ladies ran amok in the Dáil bar.
Furniture had to be removed, several former and current deputies and senators were barred, and an usher had a portion of his ear bitten off and a tearful Junior Minister was subjected to lewd catcalling.
Actually, that last bit isn't true.
It's just the withdrawal symptoms from the rashers kicking in.
Maybe it'll be sunny today. Maybe the Ceann Comhairle will be fine when he flicks the switch to turn on the lights at Leinster Lawn.
And if the tree doesn't fall on Brian Cowen and flatten him, at least he can hope his luck might be turning.
