FIANNA FÁIL’S Niall Collins went on a trawling exercise this week when he sought a written reply from each member of the Cabinet to a parliamentary question asking how much their department “spent on hair and make-up” since February 2011.

Many of the Ministers, particularly those who are follicly challenged, found the query hilarious – in between complaining about wasting Civil Service time with silly questions.

All, save one, issued the same reply: that their department incurred no expenditure on hair and make-up over the period in question.

Pat Rabbitte tells us reports that he wears make-up are entirely without foundation.

He added his own handwritten postscript to the reply drafted by his officials for deputy McGrath, who clearly has too much time on his hands.

They wrote: “My Department incurred no expenditure on hair and make-up over the period in question” and Pat tacked on: ” – although I could do with some help.” This was removed in the published reply.

“Censored again!” cries the Minister for Communications.

So who is the odd man/woman out? None other than that famous Limerick glamourpuss, Michael Noonan. The Minister for Finance’s staff returned a terse, but intriguing, one-sentence reply to McGrath’s cosmetic question.

“The amount spent on the matters specified by the deputy was €50.” For what? We rang the department immediately, but a spokesperson refused to elaborate, determined to keep Noonan’s powder dry.

“The answer is in the PQ” came the cagey response. Yes, but what was the special, once-off €50 grooming event that had to be specifically highlighted? “I think it would be fair to say that we are concealing the reply.” We got the distinct impression that Finance was getting more media queries yesterday about Baldy’s hair and make-up secrets than the latest report from the troika.

So we took a look at the website of The Grooming Rooms, a stone’s throw from Leinster House on South William Street and “Dublin’s first Grooming Emporium dedicated exclusively to men”. What would €50 buy the Minister for Finance, if he wanted to look good for a big occasion, like budget day? An express facial (€45) including cleansing, exfoliating, treatment mask and moisturising would have him ready for his Dáil chamber close-up.

And given that Ministers are on their feet for a long time while delivering the budget statement, an “executive pedicure” (€45) might be advised.

As for the hair, a dry cut (€25) with an eyebrow shape and tint (€15) would work wonders for his confidence.

But we suspect he sneaked away to have his chest and abdomen waxed (€50) in readiness for a hairshirt budget.

Question: Where does Michael Noonan keep his make-up? Answer: In a Fiscal Compact.