DÁIL SKETCH:BERTIE HAD a way with those tricky questions about ministerial transport. The Government jet? The Government helicopter? Oh, merciful hour. Not dat oul helicopter again. Not dat oul jet.

Bertie could tell you tales about the ministerial transport. About the time he flew into Belfast airport with the fuselage on fire after all the engines fell into the Irish Sea. The only thing that kept them aloft was the hot air rising from terrified junior ministers.

Or the time he was in the helicopter and it was hit by lightning and they flew into a flock of geese and it was worse than that Albert Spatchcock movie about the mad birds. It was only by the grace of God that he landed safely behind Fagan’s before last orders.

So many close shaves. So many horror stories. So much time to waste. Bertie would shudder at the unhappy memories. He hated that jet and despised that helicopter. If he had his way, he’d sell them off for scrap.

He also got air sickness. Couldn’t keep anything down when he was up. Did he mention that before? And suddenly, another topic had to be addressed. The Oppostion had to heave its jaw off the carpet and move on.

Yesterday, it was time to taunt a Taoiseach again over the use of the ministerial fleet. How would Brian Cowen deal with the situation?

At the beginning, it seemed like he might be opting for the Bertie approach of insisting he’d rather travel by unicycle than board one of those machines.

This is because he had cleverly positioned Martin Cullen in the adjoining seat. Kamikaze Cullen looked suitably pale and wan, as befits a man who nearly fell out of the Government helicopter recently when a door came away in mid-flight.

And you think this method of travel is a luxury? Look upon this quivering wreck, scarred for life after his experience.

The questions were routine. Opposition leaders questioned the cost of the service, the number of trips flown and asked if it would not be better to abandon the fleet and use commercial airlines.

The Taoiseach, with poor Martin beside him adding a lovely touch of pathos, said all modern governments need their own aircraft to get business done. Doing away with the fleet “sends a nice populist message” but it doesn’t aid efficiency.

“The service is used sparingly, as required,” he stressed. “I have had to say ‘No’ on occasion.” This man is tough.

But then Fine Gael’s Michael Ring got involved. Office holders should not be using Air Corps helicopters to go to GAA matches. He saw this happen with his own eyes at last year’s Connacht football final, when a person arrived by chopper at the back of the stadium in Castlebar and was then conveyed by State car into the ground.

Is attending a match official business? “I am not suggesting it was,” replied Biffo.

“If people are on official business in the morning and the helicopter is returning to base and someone wants to be dropped off at a match, I do not see that as outrageous.” As he sees it, there isn’t much sense in depositing a person at an air base when that person can just as easily be dropped off at their home, or at a football match, or wherever. Otherwise, the State car would have to go and collect them and drive them there anyway.

“We can get quite petty about it,” said Cowen.

Journalists rushed yesterday to discover the identity of the office holder mentioned by Michael Ring. It was assumed, wrongly, he was referring to a Government Minister. It was President Mary McAleese. We saw some lovely photos of her walking along the red carpet and greeting the teams on the pitch. A couple of hours earlier, she had attended an official event in Dublin.

So Her Excellency was on official business.

No. It’s those “official engagements” that Ministers occasionally have to attend which arouse suspicions – engagements at home and abroad that just happen to be taking place with a big sporting occasion nearby.

Brian Cowen just doesn’t get it. He can’t see what’s wrong. He can’t imagine why ordinary people might feel a burning rage when they witness a Minister (rarely alone) alighting from a chopper and scuttling into a football match. Or why they might go mad at the thought of a State car at their disposal when they go off to cheer their local team.

And because he doesn’t get it, Brian Cowen has a problem. In politics, it better to be smart than bright. Bertie knew that.

Taxi for Cowen. . .