DÁIL SKETCH:"THERE IS nowhere to run. There is nowhere to hide. Big Phil is watching you. He will make you pay."

Micheál Martin painted a chilling picture for us yesterday of an all-seeing, all-knowing Minister for the Environment – sinister eyes and ears of the Government’s household charge police.

“Big Phil is going to get you,” he intoned.

Resistance, it seems, will be futile.

Of course, the Fianna Fáil leader wasn’t telling Fine Gael anything they didn’t already know. They lived through the unsuccessful leadership heave against Enda Kenny, when Phil Hogan mercilessly crushed Baby Brother Bruton’s rebellious Mutterers and paved the way for Enda Kenny to become what he has always wanted to be: Everybody’s Big Brother.

Bertie Ahern once famously commented in the aftermath of the international banking collapse: “Lehman’s testicles were everywhere.” You could say the same for Phil Hogan, whose spheres of influence similarly infiltrate all sections of Irish society, according to Deputy Martin.

It’s “practically Orwellian.” Micheál is absolutely right in identifying the omnipresence of Minister Hogan.

Because when it comes to the shambles that is his household charge, Big Phil is all over the place.

Everywhere, except in the Dáil yesterday afternoon to hear the Opposition excoriate his handling of the controversial €100 charge.

Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore was left to take the flak.

He wasn’t exactly effusive in his support of Big Phil. There have been “difficulties” with the payment method, he conceded, acknowledging that the “communication” process was not the best.

And then some, said Micheál. “It has been mishandled in a ham-fisted manner . . . it smells of arrogance, carelessness, and, to be frank, incompetence.”

Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald didn’t hold back either. Big Phil was trying to “bully” people into paying the charge.

The Tánaiste then fell foul of the communications fiasco. For the second time in one day.

On the lunchtime news, he appeared to be under the impression that people would now be able to pay the fee through their post office.

Presenter Seán O’Rourke had to clarify that this is not the case.

By Leaders’ Questions, Eamon was doubly sure that people would be able to dispense with Big Phil’s overly complicated payment system and do the business at the local post office.

But when people checked afterwards, it seems he was wrong again.

Perhaps the Tánaiste just lost concentration when talking to Big Phil about the matter – there were a lot of things going on.

Leinster House was on high alert for the publication of the Mahon report, which will finally hit the streets this morning.

That should shift the household charge off the agenda for a while.

He might also have been thinking about Michael Noonan’s good news on the promiscuous note front.

The Minister for Finance came into the Chamber last night to tell everyone that Europe has shown a bit of leg on the promiscuous notes and done a little deal with us on the three billion which was due for payment at the end of the month.

We won’t have to stump up now. At least, not just yet.

Noonan arrived in with a smirk designed to soften the cough of the Sinn Féiners opposite, who had tabled a Private Members’ motion on what they call the austerity treaty.

The party has been enthusiastically plugging the Donegal Action Against Austerity Walk, in which a group of people are walking from Donegal to Dublin, their arrival coinciding with the deadline for the €3.1 billion payment, the household tax cutoff date and the Fine Gael Ardfheis.

“Those lads walking from Donegal will have to get the bus home,” deadpanned Noonan, announcing the deal.

The House votes this evening on the motion.

As Fianna Fáil supports the fiscal compact, the party will vote against the motion. This would have left Éamon Ó Cuív in a bit of a bind, given that he opposes the treaty. However, in a happy turn of events, the party’s former deputy leader managed to get himself thrown out of the House yesterday for gross insubordination. Due to his suspension, he won’t be able to vote. And he won’t lose the party whip for disobeying the party line.

Young Dev shouted and roared during the Order of Business on the septic tank issue, refusing the Ceann Comhairle’s pleas to resume his seat. “I’ve a bit of an ear infection. Would you kindly resume your seat – you’re not helping me!” cried an exasperated Seán Barrett.

The bellowing Ó Cuív ignored him, until the Ceann Comhairle had no option but to give him his marching orders.

But Sean Kyne, his Fine Gael colleague in Galway , was wise to Ó Cuív’s outburst. He rushed out a press release, branding the performance as “a premeditated move designed to ensure his suspension from the House.”

But it will all be forgotten today, when Mahon finally delivers the goods.