DÁIL SKETCH: Though Cowen gave the ABCs of EROs and REAs, the day belonged to one initialism – the MoU

WELL – SUCH excitement.

“The MoU is out this afternoon,” a colleague breathlessly informed us, like it was the publishing event of the decade. The whole of Leinster House was waiting for it, apparently. One doesn’t like to be left out on these occasions. “Fablous,” we said. “Fablous.”

Hadn’t the foggiest.

Then there was Fine Gael’s Bernard Durkan asking where Ireland currently stands in relation to its membership of NAB, which is a child of d’IMF.

“Deputy Durkan is getting into very complex territory this morning,” said Pat Rabbitte, approvingly. Pat understands acronyms.

“I know, I feel complicated myself, actually,” replied Bernard, puffing up with pride. (We find prunes can be very good in this regard.)

Brian Cowen mentioned “progressivity” twice as he spoke about the EROs, the REAs, the JLCs and the OECD.

God help us.

This was in the middle of a very long and confusing non-answer to Labour leader Eamon Gilmore, who wanted to know who suggested to the Government to cut the minimum wage. As Eamon sees it, this move will not save the economy any money because the people who are most affected by it will have to apply for more State benefits.

“It seems to me a peculiar form of Fianna Fáil economics,” he remarked, “that you pay people less in order to incentivise those who are on low pay and who are poor, but in order to incentivise the banks, you throw more money into them.”

The Taoiseach, in the course of comprehensive replies, managed not to answer the questions.

“We have to make sure we have a competitive economy,” he stressed. Cutting the minimum wage is part of “a wider range of adjustments” and “it also forms a base for other wages further up the line”.

Eamon was puzzled. Join the club, comrade. We lost the plot at progressivity.

“When he says that it is a base for other wages in the economy, does it follow that the strategy is first to cut the minimum wage and then to see a follow-on cut in wages right through the economy?”

Sort of, is what Biffo might have been saying, as he introduced the novel concept of a trickle-up effect.

Of course, Brian knew what Eamon’s game was: indulging in “a nice populist throwaway” for the punters. There isn’t much you can tell a long-serving member of the Fianna Fáil officer corps about populist throwaways.

Gilmore was indeed going for the sexy line. With the newspapers screaming headlines about Dermot Ahern’s €300,000- plus pension and payoff package, yesterday was the day to get stuck into the proposal to take a euro off the minimum wage.

So who suggested the wheeze? “The Greens. The Greens,” roared Fine Gael’s Pádraic McCormack.

Eamon suggested darkly that the iron hand of Europe was behind it. Biffo refused to be drawn. Like the treacherous pavements outside Leinster House, it was very heavy going in the chamber.

At least everyone could look forward to the MoU – although there weren’t many deputies around to hear about it as the commuting contingent were busy out buying snow boots and making arrangements for accommodation in case they found themselves stranded.

Fine Gael wanted to know what was going to be done about the footpaths. Biffo said the “inter-agency co-ordination group” had a “mechanism” in place. “We have sufficient reserves of salt,” he trumpeted, sounding dangerously like a spoofing banker as the population of the capital city slid around the streets.

While Seán Barrett demanded to know what was being done about the pavements, Labour’s Liz McManus wanted to know what happened to the fuel poverty strategy which was supposed to be in place last year.

The Taoiseach indicated one was being prepared as he spoke, “in stark contrast to some of the rather measly increases from the time you were in government yourself”. That would have been back in the first ice age, over a decade ago.

“What about the Christmas bonus?” demanded Sinn Féin’s Aengus Ó Snodaigh.

These days, it doesn’t rain but it snows. The Taoiseach didn’t ever bother with a reply.

Whereupon Durkan launched into his question on legislation to provide for Ireland’s membership of d’IMF’s New Arrangements to Borrow, or NAB. Next year, sighed the Taoiseach, “You might be nabbed yourself next year,” chortled Bernard.

Finally came the turn of Brian Lenihan and the MoU. Memorandum of Understanding – a bewilderment too far for mere mortals. We left early to get a bus. Every single one of them flashing the same message in place of a destination: “Out of Service.”

Like the country.