DÁIL SKETCH:WHEN IS an ass not an ass? When he's Bernard Durkan, Fine Gael TD and windbag in chief of the 30th Dáil.

Glad to be able to clarify that for the donkeys, mules, asses and jennets of Ireland who were so disgracefully blackguarded in the Dáil yesterday.

Bernard, you see, thought Minister for European Affairs Dick Roche called him an ass. Dick insisted he said no such thing, but implied if the cap fits. . .

Whereupon Arthur Morgan said Dick was “worse than an ass” and Michael Noonan called him a jackass.

Needless to say, this was water off a Dick’s ass to the Minister for Europe.

No so for Neddy Durkan, who eeyored indignantly on his own behalf, demanding an immediate retraction from the Minister.

Not one parliamentarian spoke out for the real victims of this vicious exchange – the innocent asses forced to bear yet another cross in the form of gratuitous comparisons with Bernard Durkan and Dick Roche.

(Although in fairness, Neddy and Dobbin, even you would have to admit that it can be hard to tell the difference when Bernard gets up on his hind legs during the Order of Business and starts braying and hee-hawing until schoolchildren and pensioners flee, screaming, from the public gallery.) Just before lunch, he was up to his usual caper: tormenting Biffo and Cap’n Kirk about pending legislation. Seasoned observers know it’s time to run when they see Bernard on his feet, clearing his throat, leaning back and throwing his arms across the vacant seats in advance of his next coruscating contribution.

Whereupon he launches into a lengthy bout of tiresome and noisy wrangling on some question that he has asked on several occasions already. This happens almost every day now during the Order of Business.

Sometimes, the mild-mannered Ceann Comhairle sounds close to tears as Bernard bangs on about some Bill or other, refusing to sit down or lower the volume.

As for Biffo? Judging by the expression he wears during the worst of the Durkan outbursts, if he were to explode, the resulting ash cloud would ground the space shuttle. Yesterday, as we sheltered in our offices while pictures from the chamber were shown on our muted televisions, the camera zoomed in briefly on Biffo.

He looked like a man suffering extreme provocation. He looked in genuine pain.

He had our full sympathy.

On so to the afternoon, and the continuing debate on the exciting Euro Area Loan Facility Bill.

Dick Roche was making a speech. Bernard harrumphing in his usual fashion. Roche lost his rag.

“Ah lookit deputy, with all due respect to you, if you come in here and act like an ass that’s exactly the label that you’ll gain . . .” Then he continued, ignoring the rising din from across the floor.

“Chairman, Chairman, a point of order, a point of order, ON A POINT OF ORDER!” Bernard spoke. “If the Minister can rise no higher than to call a member of the Opposition an ass could I ask him to withdraw it before he goes any further . . .” Dick responded. No intention of withdrawing.

The Chair, by the way, was Cork deputy Noel O’Flynn. Is it a chamber or a sanctuary? Everyone was roaring. There was so much going through the chair it was like opening night at WeightWatchers.

Noel decided to take control of his fellow donkeys, eh, deputies.

“You must respect the Chair” he wheedled, Cork accent becoming more plaintive and high-pitched as he spoke.” You must stop when I tell you to stop. I’m only doing this job and there’s a procedure here, you know . . .” The last bit could only be heard by dogs.

Noel steeled himself, but couldn’t use the offending word – “Arse.” Correction. “Ass.” Don’t know how we were confused.

Back to Noel: “I don’t think any member of the house should be called, eh what you called him, and I ask you please to withdraw,” he said to Clever Dick, who didn’t appear to be taking the escalating crisis seriously.

“Read the record, I did not call the deputy an ass. I said “but if a deputy comes in here and acts like an ass that’s the appellation that will be attached”. Bernard nearly had a seizure.

Whereupon Arthur Morgan and Michael Noonan stuck their oar in.

Still water off a Dick’s ass.

“That’s OK, we have equal insults now,” chirruped the junior minister, as a squeaking Noel got more Montenotte by the minute. “Sorry Chair, I respect the chair. I didn’t call him an ass. I’ve actually just been called a jackass and a worse ass or whatever the appellation was,” said Dick, laughing. “I think you should all calm down a little.”

But Bernard was beyond calm. As for the voiceless asses, they were furious. But did anyone care? Dick Roche suggested that if Deputy Durkan let him finish his speech, he could say whatever he wanted after it. But no. Bernard wasn’t going to let the Minister “buffoon his way through what he has just said”.

Donkeys and buffoons. Business as usual in the Dáil.