MIRIAM LORD'S WEEK:A FEW gongs to mark the end of the political season:
The Bertie Ahern Perpetual Award for Nonsensical Answers: A late surge by Enda Kenny sees him taking the honours thanks to this sparkling display of jibberish on Thursday: “There’s a difference between having words and speaking. When you speak, you have to use words, obviously. So the Tánaiste has spoken to the Minister for Health and the Minister for Health has spoken back to the Tánaiste and the Tánaiste is very clear as to when he heard of the resignation of Cathal Magee, who gave a very clear interview himself on this matter. So, generally, when people speak to each other, they use words.
“Your interpretation of that is the words might have been louder than normal conversation might be, but I don’t think that’s the case. There’s a very strong professional relationship between both parties in Government, between the Tánaiste and myself, between the Tánaiste and all the Ministers and between the Taoiseach and all the Ministers. So, you know, em, no need for overreaction.”
Best Minister: Michael Noonan, because he sounds like he knows what he’s talking about and has the best droll one-liners. Simon Coveney is up there too – he’s doing well in agriculture and played a blinder during the fiscal treaty referendum.
Leo or Lucinda, Lucinda or Leo? Which of Fine Gael’s young pretenders fared best? Lucinda – by a mile. Impressively in control of her brief as Minister for Europe; sure-footed and confident during the referendum campaign. Leo has developed a habit of opening his mouth and saying the wrong thing. He’s learning Irish though, which means he probably expects to be Taoiseach some day.
Heckler of the Year: Fine Gael’s Patrick O’Donovan, a first-timer from Limerick, started quietly but has developed into the current Dáil’s best exponent of the snappy one-liner. Even Pat Rabbitte has been forced to glance behind in appreciation.
Fianna Fáil’s Barry Cowen has a nice line in dry wit too.
Best performer at Leaders’ Questions: Shane Ross, the Winston Shankill of Dublin South. He might consider giving a few pointers to his technical group colleague Thomas Pringle, who sounds like he’s reading out his school essay when it’s his turn at Ask Inda.
The How the hell did he ever get into the Dáil? Award: Independent TD for Wicklow Stephen Donnelly. He’s calm and measured and bright, and when he talks, he talks sense. He isn’t afraid to praise the Government when he thinks they’ve done well, nor is he afraid to get stuck in when he doesn’t.
Senator of the Session: The sage of Haggardstown in Dundalk, Jim D’Arcy, for giving David Norris a run for his money in the literary knowledge department and showing great fortitude in resisting Fidelma Healy Eames’s incursions into his education portfolio.
The Stubbs Gazette Medal for Tact and Communications Skills: Dr James “Dicey” Reilly, who specialises in an unusual area of medicine known as “Reverse Rhinoplasty” – he puts noses out of joint. Particularly in the Labour Party. But he’s not fussy.
The Compulsory Mattie McGrath Award: Mattie McGrath, for his highly entertaining visceral dislike of “Big” Phil Hogan and for services to the colour-writing community.
Angry Young Man Award: That reminds us, Pearse Doherty is very quiet these days. It’ll have to go Ming Flanagan so, whose dubious charm wore off remarkably fast in the 31st Dáil.
Second Wind Prize: Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin, who snapped out of his lethargy during the referendum campaign and won a prize from the Government for his part in delivering a Yes vote. He also deserves something for having to put up with Éamon Ó Cuív’s playacting.
Bernard Durkan Windbaggery Bursary: Bernard. Out on his own. Again.
For Services to the Irish language: That poor unfortunate man who has to do the simultaneous translation when Gerry Adams is on his feet.
Backbencher Bonus: Fine Gael’s Regina Doherty has quietly impressed while Mary Mitchell OConnor is also finding her voice.
Down with this Type of Thing Award: Michelle Mulherin, for her fornication faux-pas and determination to clean up Mick Wallace – sorry, her determination to clean up the Dáil’s dress code.
Miss Congeniality 2013: Socialist Clare Daly, for roaring verbal abuse at a photographer taking a shot of VAT-dodger Mick Wallace leaving Leinster House.
Pride of the Pack: We like Labour’s John Lyons, and David Norris is in need of a little lift after his presidential nightmare, but the gong has to go to Fine Gael’s Jerry Buttimer, who came out as a gay TD during this session. Nobody batted an eyelid, leaving the wonderful Jerry slightly put out by the lack of attention.
