When angry or upset with your partner, press the “pause button”, take a deep breath and think how to express your feelings in a positive constructive way. For example, instead of reacting angrily when you feel let down by your partner’s lateness, you could respond as follows
1)Starting positive: “It means a lot to me when you take over with the kids in the evening.”
2)Owning feelings: “When you come home late, I feel annoyed because I am tired and waiting for you to help with the kids.”
3)Making positive requests: “I need you to be on time in the evening.”
4)Listening in return: “What do you think?”
- When your partner expresses anger to you, try not to react angrily or defensively in return (and/or cut off and not respond). Instead pause and try to respond in a helpful way that de-escalates the negative feelings. This can include
1)Listening: “Tell me what is wrong.”
2)Soothing: “Let me make you a cup of tea.”
3)Positive assertion: “I know you are upset, but there’s no need to take it out on me – I’m on your side.”
4)Humour: “Let’s take a chill pill for a moment.”
Though often the most effective, humour is also the riskiest option and requires an ongoing joke both partners enjoy. The key is to be sensitive and empathic, to find a way that works for you and your partner.
If what you do increases the anger towards you, take a pause and try another strategy.
- In balance, regularly create positive times and experiences with your partner. Cultivate your positive feelings such as enjoyment, gratitude, admiration, love etc, by recalling and dwelling upon happy shared experiences and by expressing these positive emotions as often as possible.
