'HER HALF is bigger than mine. It's not fair."
"He hit me and now my arm hurts and you don't care."
"It's my turn on the computer and he's not letting me . . ."
Anybody who has more than one child is likely to hear such protests running on a continuous audio loop. Whether it's a squabble over a shared chocolate bar or a row over the television remote, sisters and brothers are always on the lookout for the slightest inequality in their lives.
And the bickering or brawls that sometimes follows can be enough to make any exasperated parent snap.
Mother of five Ciannait Ní Riain Uí Broin knows all about being at breaking point. "About four years ago I found myself as a mother constantly giving out to my children."
It was not the way she wanted family life to be and she would go to bed upset.
"I didn't understand why we were in such a mess and I needed to know what I should be doing. As a mum I couldn't have loved them any more than I did and they knew that."
Particularly worried at that time about her daughter Aoibh, now aged nine, who had followed twin boys, Fionn and Cian (12), and was in turn followed by Oisín (5), she looked for professional advice. It was a difficult first step to take, she says. "It's like, 'Hello, I have children, and I need help'."
It was suggested she try a training course run by the Parents Plus charity, based in the Mater Hospital, Dublin. The first time she went she didn't tell people she was going. But what she and her husband, Jim Byrne, learned made a huge difference to their family life, she says. "It was a very difficult journey. You have to make changes in yourself. You must be the way you want your children to be. The training doesn't show you what you are doing wrong, she explains, "it helps you bring out the best in your child. It is long term, not a quick fix."
Since then another baby has come into the house, 22-month-old Siúin and Ciannait and Jim have been back to Parents Plus, this time looking at issues among children aged six to 11, and taking part in a training DVD which will be launched on Thursday. She says Parents Plus is "superb", yet one of the Republic's best-kept secrets.
Suggested techniques she has implemented from the course have stopped sibling rivalry among her children escalating into anything more than bickering. "I have learned to press the pause button. Instead of freaking out, be calm. Sibling rivalry means children are losing the calm among themselves over simple things." So a parent losing the head only aggravates the problem.
"One of the rules of our house is that only one person speaks at a time, so everybody gets their say, and everybody is listened to." She gives the children a choice. "You can choose to fight or not to fight, but if you do fight you can't have ice-cream after your dinner. It's your choice."
Measures such as "double sanctioning" also work for her. That means both children involved get the same punishment, such as "five minutes lost on your Nintendo" if a row persists.
"There is no victim and no victor." That can be difficult when it seems that one is walloping the other, but you might not have seen the kicks under the table that provoked it.
She talks to the children too about how important they are to each other. "We have had no problems bringing a baby home."
With five children needing her attention, Ciannait has had to stop worrying about the state of their family home in Rathmines, Dublin. "It's very homely, people say when they come in. That's like somebody selling a house and saying 'it's full of character'. We all know what that means!
"I liked order and it was very difficult for me to let go. It's not a mess, but it's not the way I would like it to be. Something has to give and the children are only young once, they're more important."
It's competition for parents' love and attention that is at the heart of sibling rivalry, says the director of Parents Plus, psychotherapist John Sharry.
"Children are generally 'fighting' for their parents' approval and for their place in the family. There may be particular reasons for the rivalry - for example one child might feel inadequate because his brother is getting on better at school. Or an older child might feel a little jealous of a younger child who is getting more attention.
"Generally, sibling rivalry only becomes an ongoing or constant problem when the parent gets hooked into being a referee, sorting out the children's problems and deciding who is right and wrong.
"The child judged by you to be at fault usually feels wronged and resentful towards you and his brother or sister, and is likely to restart the fight to seek justice. The child who was deemed to be right enjoys your approval and is likely to draw you in again in the same way (by crying or whining) to regain your support.
"Both children are likely to continue to involve you in the fight in order to win your approval and neither of them learns how to sort out the dispute by themselves."
Twins are competing for attention from day one, says Corrinna Moore, mother of six-year-old twins Aran and Cormac, two-year-old Lorcan and a fourth on the way. "They talk about 'twin din', which is a particular noise level in a house as soon as twin babies come home." On the positive side, she says, they seemed to take an innate comfort from each other's company.
She and her husband, Richard, were always careful to treat the twins as individuals and to dress them differently. It was only at about the age of three, when they were going to a playgroup, the boys began to be aware that they were twins. Not identical but very similar in appearance, they couldn't understand why people would confuse their names.
Competition between the boys has been reduced, Corrinna says, by having them in separate classes at Glenageary and Killiney National School. "All the received wisdom with twins, especially boys, is to try to separate them. Otherwise the stronger personality will always try to dominate."
Now, she says, they fight over toys and shout at each other over the Xbox, "anything other siblings would fight over".
But they have never had a problem with their little brother, as they don't see him as a threat. Rivalry is something they keep between themselves.
Gillian*, the mother of three boys and a girl, aged 11 to five, says there is always an undercurrent of sibling rivalry among her children, ready to tip over at any moment.
They are constantly on the lookout to see if someone else is getting anything extra, "even in the case of hugs and kisses".
"There are two of them I would have a natural bond with and two I have to work harder with," she says. "I am aware of it; I have to work at it and hide it from them." Their father is closest to the two she is not, she says, so "there is a healthy balance".
One of six children herself, some of her siblings had a much better bond with her parents than she did. "My parents didn't try to hide it, they didn't feel the need to. Now we are all very careful; parents are more aware of how children are going to develop psychologically."
She believes people are reluctant to admit to different feelings towards their children. "You can't expect to get on with all your children and siblings equally. But it is up to parents to make sure that children don't suffer."
She sees gender differences in the way her children deal with rows. "The boys would have a quick punch-up and it's over, they're best buddies again. The girl would sulk in her room for hours."
Two of Gillian's own sisters haven't spoken for five years, since they fell out over the giving of Christmas presents. "It was just a catalyst that brought animosities to a head. They never got on as adults, they don't want to bother."
One of those sisters was favoured by their parents, the other not.
Now family occasions have to involve one or the other of the warring siblings, but not both. "It's hard for the rest of the family as it breaks the unit." With their parents dead, Gillian sees no hope of reconciliation between them. "They will never be civil to each other. It's sad. It would be nice if we could all get on." Unfortunately sibling rivalry can long outlast childhood.
* Name has been changed
Step by step: a possible plan for responding to a dispute
Wait before getting involved. Rather than jumping in immediately, the minute a fight or dispute happens, it can be useful to pause to give your children a chance to sort out the dispute themselves.
Remind the children of the good behaviour you want. If the children continue to fight, rather than criticising or refereeing, simply give the children a positive instruction asking them to behave well such as: "Listen guys, I want the two of you to calm down in here" or "Please come to an agreement now and calm down".
Problem solving: If the children continue to fight, one option is to support them in sorting out the problem. You do this by encouraging them to listen to one another and to come up with their own ideas and solutions.
"Okay, both of you want to play with the PlayStation, how can we sort this out?"
Although problem solving in the heat of the row can be hard, it can work if you remain calm and don't get drawn into the row.
It has the advantage that you show your children how to remain calm and to resolve conflict.
Use an equal consequence. If the children continue to fight, you can also use an equal consequence. This is best offered as a choice and should always be fair and imposed equally. "Look guys, if you continue to fight you will both have to go to your rooms."
Over time, this fair approach removes the reason to fight - which is essentially a fight over your approval and attention.
Source: An edited extract from Positive Parenting: Bringing up responsible, well-behaved and happy children, by John Sharry, to be published by Veritas in May.
Parents Plus is a charity set up seven years ago to research and develop educational materials for parents and children, and to provide support to professionals working with children and families in the community.
Its latest programme, on issues for six to 11-year- olds, will be launched by the Minister for Children, Brendan Smith, at the Mater Hospital in Dublin on Thursday. It is the third in a range covering childhood to adolescence. These DVD-based programmes are for professionals to help parents deal with behaviour and learning difficulties at home.
For more information, log onto www.parentsplus.ie
