Anybody, regardless of social and economic status, can have problems with children and need to talk
IT MIGHT SEEM a strange question for parents to ask, "Do I have a right to say 'no'", but it's an inquiry that the national confidential helpline, Parentline, is hearing more often these days.
The parents are not talking about toddlers or teenagers, but are among the growing number who ring in about their adult children.
"More calls about older children, 18-plus, is a definite trend," says Parentline manager Rita O'Reilly. "No doubt it is because they are leaving home later.
"An adult child is expecting to be treated as an adult but to be cared for as a child. They don't want to hand up money, they expect their washing to be done for them and they want to stay out late - it doesn't matter if dinner is on the table for them."
In such cases the child-parent relationship has to be renegotiated, says O'Reilly. "Now it's an adult-adult relationship. Boundaries have to be set. At the end of the day, it's the parents' house."
Even for younger children, parents seem increasingly unsure what boundaries to lay down and ask is it okay. "Parentline says it's very okay; everything you do has boundaries and children have to learn that. You're doing them a favour," she says. "Kids like discipline, it's an indication of love and care."
The issues raised in the more than 6,000 calls a year to Parentline are indicative of the changing concerns in family life. The content of every call is logged, trends identified and training of the volunteers tailored accordingly.
It has evolved from parent support groups set up 25 years ago by some public health nurses who were concerned about the isolation of new mothers in an expanding Dublin. Recognising that children were at risk if their parents became very stressed, the nurses organised weekly meetings so that mothers could chat about issues.
But they realised it was no good if a meeting was on a Monday and a crisis arose on a Tuesday, so they established a helpline to offer support the moment it was needed.
Boosted by securing a low-cost 1890 number five years ago, Parentline now handles a diverse range of topics.
"Twenty-five years ago it was all about new mothers and young babies," says O'Reilly. "Now it's about everything, right up to parents in their 70s ringing in about children in their 50s."
The name was also changed from Parents Under Stress, to dispel the notion that you had to be at the end of your tether to seek a listening ear. As well as the phone service, Parentline offers one-to-one meetings, provides parenting courses in schools, community and the workplace, and runs public talks on parenting issues.
O'Reilly's appointment as part-time manager six years ago helped to put the service on a professional footing. The job arose at a turning point in her own life.
Living in Clontarf, her eldest child, Grace, was about to start secondary school and her youngest, Kevin, was going into primary school. Having worked full- time in marketing with the Football Association of Ireland, and PMPA before that, she thought it would be a good time to be at home a bit more. Then she saw the Parentline job advertised: "It was unusual to see a part-time manager's job."
Her availability at the end of a phone in the office "means we get into the media more. I am here to make comments on things and we can get our message out".
Its annual grant of €65,000 from the Health Service Executive (HSE) includes €10,000 for advertising, but that buys very little. Other fundraising comes from events such as the women's mini-marathon, donations and sponsorship.
Its office costs are low, being based in Carmichael House on North Brunswick Street in Dublin 7, which is itself a charity, set up in the 1980s to house small voluntary groups in a more supportive and business-like environment.
"There is a huge number of people out there who need our service and don't know about it," says O'Reilly. "We don't have the benefit of word of mouth because it's all confidential. We have to keep reminding people we're here."
National Parents Week, which is organised by Parentline, also helps to raise its profile.
"We contact any organisation connected with parenting and ask them to do something to celebrate National Parents Week," says O'Reilly. "Parents should be celebrated and put up on a pedestal. It also means all these organisations get to hear about Parentline and put up posters with our name on them."
Now in its third year, it will run from October 13th to 19th and there is a growing list of events on Parentline's website, www.parentline.ie.
There is a common perception that the helpline is contacted mostly by young, single, mothers desperately trying to cope with children on their own. This is far from the truth.
"Anybody, regardless of social and economic status, can have problems with children," says O'Reilly. "It's good for the parent and for the child to talk about it. It's good for the parent to relieve stress; it's good for the child because something is being done about it and it may nip the issue in the bud."
The sort of issues that arise reflect not only the trends but indicate where there is no other outlet to turn to. Overall, 60 per cent of calls relate to the teenage years, with more about 16-year-olds than any other age. "It could be anything, from slamming doors to experimenting with drugs, not wanting to go to school, eating disorders, fighting with siblings.
"Two years ago we had a huge amount of calls about drugs, not so many now. That's because there are so many organisations dealing specifically with drug problems." Last Christmas, they received many calls relating to the break up of relationships and access to children over the festive period.
Another trend has been calls about children abusing parents. "From giving lip, to shaping up to actual thumping, a lot of general violence - abusing parents' belongings and demanding money," says O'Reilly. It's a problem parents are less likely to discuss openly with friends.
"A mother may say her teenage daughter is coming home drunk, but she is not going to say she is beating me up.
"It's better to say it to Parentline, not to a neighbour, as it could be just a phase, some underlying problem. Once that it is solved the issue can go away - but the neighbour is not going to forget it."
The other change over the years is the significant increase in the number of men ringing Parentline, some of them parenting on their own. Since 2004, about 16 per cent of the callers have been male.
"The first year only one man rang up and he asked how he could support his wife in her parenting role," says O'Reilly. "He was very nice and kind, but it was her job. That is only 25 years ago."
• Parentline can be contacted on 1890-927 277, Monday to Thursday, 10am-9pm and Fridays, 10am-4pm
Baby blues: trained personnel
Up to 15 per cent of new mothers in Ireland
experience postnatal depression and Parentline is the national
helpline that deals with this issue.
Volunteers are specially trained on the subject and it is the only type of call where they give direct advice, such as telling women to go to a doctor, to ask for help.
"It's definitely an issue out there," says Parentline manager Rita O'Reilly. "It is being spoken about a little bit more than it used to be but still not enough.
"The turnaround of new mothers in hospital is so quick now that the staff don't have time to explain postnatal depression, never mind pick it up in women."
She says typically it hits "when they are out of hospital, visitors are not visiting anymore and the dad has gone back to work. She's exhausted but doesn't want to turn around and say 'I feel terrible'."
She might be more inclined to pour her heart out to a confidential helpline, rather than telling friends or family. "And, it's easier for her to say she has baby blues," O'Reilly adds.
Partners or other family members worried about a new mother can also call the helpline.
Helpline: the facts & figures
• Twenty per cent of calls to Parentline are
about abuse, ranging from concerns about sexual abuse of a child to
physical abuse of parents by children
• Eight per cent of calls are about anger/aggression
• Seven per cent of calls are about the effects of
marriage breakdown
• Fifty seven per cent of calls about anti-social
behaviour relate to a girl
• Seventy one per cent of calls about sexual activity
concern a girl
• Ninety one per cent of calls about eating disorders
relate to a girl
• Forty eight per cent of callers are in their 40s
Figures for 2007
