ALMOST HALF the calls answered by the confidential listening service Childline are made by children who want to talk about their everyday lives.
Younger ones chat about what happened at school, what is going on with their friends, or perhaps they have a test coming up that they’re worried about. Older children talk predominantly about peer relationships and maybe the difficulty in making friends.
These are at the benign end of the scale, compared with the 13 per cent of calls which concern abuse and violence. Yet, considering that Childline answered 414,072 calls last year, and 48 per cent of those concerned everyday life, it shows that there are tens of thousands of children who feel there is no other available adult they can chat to about the simplest of things. That might come as a shock to many parents, who may be doing their utmost to ensure their children want for nothing.
“Listening is simple, but as a parent when was the last time you listened to your child?” asks the Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (ISPCC), which runs Childline with the help of 250 trained volunteers in eight centres around the Republic. It believes if more parents made time to talk and listen to their children, fewer of them would be ringing Childline. It received 656,756 calls last year, of which 63 per cent were answered.
The charity is also concerned that the current economic difficulties could exacerbate the problem. Parents are more preoccupied with the struggle to survive and provide for their children who, in turn, pick up on the stress, and don’t want to trouble their mother or father with their own issues.
The ISPCC encourages parents to set up routines in daily life which allow for easy communication with a child, whether it’s sitting down together for breakfast or reading a story at bedtime.
“Then if there are things a child has a problem with, there is already something in place – a forum for talking to you,” explains Tess Noonan, a Cork-based regional manager with the ISPCC. “They don’t have to say “how will I speak to my mum about this . . . will I get time with Dad . . . or how will I bring it up?”
“It’s all about having a relationship with parents so when something happens and they want to have a chat with you, that the body of trust is there and they feel comfortable that they can go to you.”
Set routines also help alert a parent if a child is behaving differently. Knowing what a child’s behaviour is normally like in the mornings or at night helps a parent to notice when their behaviour is out of character.
That is particularly important for teenagers, because they lean towards their peers and may not discuss much with their parents.
“Often you are looking at other clues,” she says. “It can be just about being together, even if he or she is not saying much. You’re still putting in that time together.”
Creating open communication is the key. Don’t always expect children to talk, they sometimes want to hear about your day too. When they do talk, sometimes it can be a good idea just to listen and resist taking the opportunity to teach them something.
“As a parent we’re constantly trying to help them and sometimes they just want us to listen,” Noonan suggests. “There is a temptation to say ‘What could you have done differently?’ or ‘What would you do again?’ That is important, but sometimes they just want to talk and want somebody to listen and identify with how they are feeling.”
Noonan acknowledges that a child ringing Childline does not necessarily mean he or she has no one else to turn to.
“Often children do have somebody in their life to talk to but for some reason they choose not to,” she says. “There will always be a need for a listening service. Even in the best of relationships with a child, that child may want to talk to other people.”
Tips for better parent-child communication
1.Have breakfast together. It really is worth getting up 10 minutes earlier so you can sit down together at the kitchen table – even briefly.
Talk about your own day ahead and encourage children to talk about what they expect to be happening at school. Then one morning if they do have a concern, they already know that they have a little time with you to raise it.
2.Do household jobs together. If your weekends are all about catching up on chores, then make sure you involve the children. They can find jobs such as washing the car and doing the gardening great fun, and the important thing is you are spending time with them.
3.Share leisure time. Even if it is just watching television, do it together. Better still, go for a walk or a cycle with your child. It doesn’t have to be all about communication and talking; you might just be keeping the score or being the referee in a game of football. It’s about being with them and having fun.
Children like to see their parents having fun and they like to see their parents enjoying being with them.
4.Plan things as a family. Give children an active role in preparing for family events or outings.
Assign jobs depending on their age and abilities, such as writing up lists of things to bring on a picnic or what needs to be bought for a party.
If they feel they are contributing, it makes them feel important and is good for their self-esteem.
5.Help with homework. Even if both parents are out working and the child is doing homework with somebody else, they should aim to go through it a couple of times a week, or at the weekend. It is an ideal way of learning about what is happening at school with your child.
6.Talk at bedtime. While it may not be possible to have dinner together as a family during the week, most working parents are back home by their children’s bedtime.
Winding down at the end of the day with a story is an ideal way to have a chat and is often a time children will tell you what went on in their day.
