There’s more horror in store today in the shape of ‘The Shining – Heeeere’s Baldy’
DARKNESS FELL and a wintry chill settled on the Dáil chamber.
(In a stylish touch, the heating in Leinster House was on the blink yesterday.) This created just the right atmosphere for the Coalition’s premiere of The Howlin’.
Brendan’s carefully crafted plot may have been ruined by a series of suspense-killing spoilers, but there was still a full house for his much-anticipated shocker.
Some found it more shocking than others.
Labour outcasts Tommy Broughan and Willie Penrose couldn’t wait to leave the auditorium, an ashen-faced Joanna Tuffy striding out behind them.
The Minister for Social Protection also beat a hasty retreat, much to the delight of the Opposition. Or “the Minister who ran out of the hall” as Seán Fleming, Fianna Fáil’s spokesman on public expenditure, preferred to call her.
However, in defence of Joan Burton, she had a press conference lined up in Government Buildings.
The Labour Departed left some queasy-looking backbench socialists in their wake.
But they’ll be glued to their seats again today – along with everyone else – for the second part of the Government’s budget double bill.
After The Howlin’ there’s more horror in store: The Shining – Heeeere’s Baldy! As the light glints off his distinctive head, we know the Minister for Finance won’t be taking an axe to income tax, but his audience will be braced for some nasty twists nevertheless.
They’ve seen the trailers and know what’s coming.
But back to yesterday afternoon’s main feature. Brendan Howlin, the Minister for Public Expenditure, assumed the role of leading man and ascended the Taoiseach’s chair.
The Ceann Comhairle, in the most pointless contribution of the day, reminded deputies not to leave the chamber with the “confidential information” until the speech was delivered.
In reality, they already knew the ending. There couldn’t have been more leaks in Brendan’s address had he delivered it lying on a bed of nails.
It wouldn’t have been any more comfortable for Howlin.
“As a Labour Minister, a Ceann Comhairle, I never expected I would be making the type of announcement I am making today,” he said, in a “this-hurts- me-more-than-it-hurts -you” tone of voice.
Taoiseach Enda Kenny sat next to him, and he looked none too happy either. His state of the nation address on Sunday night, with its grim promise of equal opportunity austerity, was marred by the news that he broke the public service pay scale to make sure a favoured lieutenant got a higher rate of remuneration than recommended.
Howlin raced through his script in just over half an hour. “We have a significant fiscal deficit which needs to be closed . . . We are bound by our commitments to our international partners. They are our lenders of last resort,” he said.
He reworked the phrase later on. “In a recession, the government is a spender of last resort.” And we had visions of him going mad with the money. But he didn’t. Despite the need to reduce public spending, he said the Government couldn’t simply “abandon people who are dependent, sometimes critically, on public services”. He outlined the reforms already completed. When he said he had “cut the overall costs of special advisers to the Ministers” there were howls of derision.
Enda didn’t even blink.
“Sack the scriptwriter!” shouted someone in the vicinity of Finian McGrath.
Pat Rabbitte, who had been busying himself with the script and a fluorescent marker, looked up at Deputy McGrath. “I didn’t think you’d come out of the hat,” he snorted.
Finian looked baffled, until a colleague explained. The Technical Group had been allocated time by RTÉ to reply to the Taoiseach’s television address. They chose their representative by drawing names from a hat. Thomas Pringle won the honour.
Mind you, with his surname, Pat might be better off steering clear of wisecracks about pulling things out of hats.
Brendan hardly paused for breath during his summing up of changes to social welfare payments. Across to his left, Labour backbenchers gritted their teeth and snarled at the Opposition TDs trying to upset them.
Michael Noonan sat at the far end of the front bench and let Brendan get on with the first leg of their Budget 2012 Slashathon. He chatted to Leo Varadkar, who was looking at him like a lovesick puppy.
Leo was dressed almost identically to his hero and mentor – grey suit, light blue shirt and dark blue tie. It was touching.
The Opposition remained fairly well behaved. It wasn’t until page 15 that Gerry Adams felt the need to shout “Shame!” When Brendan finished, we waited for the reaction.
In times past, tribalism was the order of the day. A Fianna Fáil minister for finance could have ordered the slaying of all newborn babies by midnight and his backbenchers would still have given him a rousing ovation.
It’s different now. In these difficult days, triumphal displays are considered vulgar and insensitive.
Most of the Fine Gael backbenchers sat on their hands. The Labour TDs turned to stone.
A smattering of sympathetic applause came from the ranks of the junior ministers, who are always anxious to please.
Seán Fleming, a little nervous on his first big outing, rose to reply. He noted that the Minister for Social Protection had just walked out of the chamber.
“I think that says it all.” She hadn’t actually left by then, because Joanna Tuffy had buttonholed her outside the railings before exiting with Willie Penrose and Tommy Broughan.
Fleming did well, particularly when he skewered the Government over its boast of cutting public service costs while increasing the budgets for their personal departments.
Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald came in for some macho barracking from Labour’s young bucks.
She suggested the boys “should go outside and play with their Lego”. Stephen Donnelly of the Technical Group thought the whole Dáil episode was a “circus” and dreaded to think what the television viewers must have been thinking.
He had better have a lie-down before today’s rerun.
For after The Howlin’ comes The Shining – Heeeere’s Baldy! With any luck they might have fixed the heating. (Although don’t tell the poor pensioners of Ireland that. They’ve just lost a portion of their fuel allowance.)
