Dáil sketch:"THE TAOISEACH is giving his evidence truthfully - the same as others are doing down there." As gags went, it was one of the funniest told in the Dáil chamber since Bertie Ahern threw caution to the wind and came out as a socialist.
Tánaiste Cowen's deadpan delivery made it even better.
The "down there" to which he referred is the Mahon tribunal, where, as we all know, absolutely everyone tells the truth.
Oh, yes.
Liam Lawlor, Ray Burke, George Redmond, the Bailey brothers, Old Mr Brennan, Pee Flynn, Mrs Pee, Bertie's pals, The Man Who Drove the Bus but Didn't Eat the Dinner, An Taoiseach Bertie Ahern . . . the list is endless.
Everyone tells the truth in Dublin Castle.
This is what Brian Cowen believes, although he hasn't ever been spotted attending hearings and he told the Dáil yesterday he rarely reads the transcripts.
So how can he be so sure that Bertie is truthful in his dealings with Mahon? Could it be that the Tánaiste has already been up every tree in Drumcondra, and ascertained to his satisfaction that the leader of his beloved Fianna Fáil has never done anything untoward with party funds? It's either that, or the perceptive Minister for Finance has cleverly spotted that Tribunal Truth is whatever the person in the witness box decides it to be.
Hence, Biffo can happily inform the chamber: "The Taoiseach is giving his evidence truthfully." As he doesn't pay much attention to the transcripts, he can pontificate on the veracity of Bertie Ahern's evidence with a straight face.
Here's an interesting thought: perhaps Brian Cowen and his fellow parliamentary party members are not concerned about their most senior man diverting hard-earned party funds for his own ends because it never happened.
Yes, the money was resting in an account. Yes, it bought a house for Bertie's partner, among other things. But maybe Bertie never took that money from Fianna Fáil. Maybe it came from somewhere else.
Just a thought. (Although for this to be the case, it would mean he is not telling the truth to the tribunal about the B/T account, and if this were so, Brian Cowen would never stand for it.) Neither would Minister Micheál Martin, who sat in deep conversation with Minister Brian Lenihan while the Tánaiste stood in for Bertie at Leaders' Questions. This glowing endorsement of his leader was dragged out of him when he was accosted by reporters at a public engagement: "We have confidence in him going forward." Not to be outdone, Dermot Ahern, who is as uninterested in the party leadership as Micheál Martin, stood shoulder to shoulder with his ministerial colleagues in attacking Bertie's critics.
Some of them "are not fit to tie the Taoiseach's bootlaces", he quavered.
Quite right, Minister, good help is very hard to find these days.
There was no sign of Fianna Fáil backbencher Peter Power during Leaders' Questions.
Peter made an interesting statement during a radio interview last Friday, when Pat Kenny asked him if he found the continuing revelations from Dublin Castle about Bertie's finances "disquieting". The deputy for Limerick East flapped about a bit before declaring: "My function as a TD is not to be disquieted." No wonder he stayed out of the chamber.
Meanwhile, Eamon Gilmore urged the Tánaiste to go to Bertie and tell him the game is up.
Enda Kenny told him to remind the Taoiseach: "I have a number of serious questions that I'd like him to answer here when he gets back." That'll have poor Bertie shaking in his boots.
"I'll take no lessons from Fine Gael," roared Willie O'Dea, pronouncing "Fine" to rhyme with "spine". But he got a bit of a lash from Eamon Gilmore for his giddiness.
"Willie, you needn't smile. You took an each-way bet on Sunday. You had two articles in last Sunday's Independent, one defending the Taoiseach, the other praising Minister Cowen. You can't go wrong!"
And of course, Willie was right. Not last Sunday, but yesterday, when he refused to countenance criticism from across the floor about standards in Fianna Fáil.
For Willie was supplying the second half to a slogan that swept Fianna Fáil to power in 1997.
People before Politics . . . but Party above All.
