The shade of Sam Goldwyn haunts our head. As Enda Kenny strives to strike a deal with his television audience, Sam's words come to mind. "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." But Enda ploughs on like his life depends on it. Which, in a way, it does.
Standing over a dithering electorate, he urges people to commit. If technology allowed, his fist would smash through their screens and hand them a Biro.
Again and again he drives home the message: "Sign the contract! Vote Fine Gael." The party leader sounded like he means business. Sign that contract or he'll send the boyz around. Vote Fine Gael, or Jimmy "Knuckles" Deenihan kicks in your door and Avril Doyle gets nasty with the horsewhip.
In what was an engrossing one-man show, Kenny certainly made an impact on Saturday night. He turned in the performance of his political career, helped in no small measure by a very clever script and astute use of props.
He only had one chance to shine - An Evening with Enda was for a single night only and it was all about performance politics.
The man who would be Taoiseach focused on the non-performance of a government that has left the country "knee- deep in the wreckage of broken promises". Then he demonstrated how a Fine Gael government would perform for the people, if given the chance.
Above all, the success of his pre-election pitch depended hugely on how well Enda himself performed on the night. His lines were slight on policy and strong on personality.
This intimate, more homely approach contrasted vividly with the show put on the previous week by the artiste known as Ahern. Bertie's performance was completely different, founded on a script so rich and meaty it was almost indigestible. Never mind the quality, feel the width, he seemed to be saying.
By pulling off a spectacular involving 53 election promises, the Fianna Fáil leader left Enda with a hard act to follow.
Wisely, Fine Gael decided not to compete with the Taoiseach's promises. Instead, they took on Box-Office Bertie by targeting his star appeal. (Earnest politicians can promote policy as much as they like, but in the heel of the hunt, Bertie is still a lovely fella.) Finally, Fine Gael has copped on and so, on Saturday night, as the country sinks beneath the weight of Bertie billboards, sincere, honest, man-of-the- people family-guy Enda was unveiled. The Love Enda rearguard action has begun.
For Fine Gael grassroots, that love affair is already in full swing. More than 500 delegates were unable to get into the main hall in the City West Hotel to hear him speak. Party sources say 4,000 people were in the hall, while extra stewards and gardaí had to be summoned to keep the crowd at bay.
As promised, Enda Kenny has electrified the grassroots; now he wants to electrocute the electorate.
"I give you our light," he promised.
Actually, there is a reason for this power fixation. During a touching moment near the end of a speech, emphasising how much Enda is a big family man, the Fine Gael leader went for broke and threw in the spirit of his grandfather, James McGinley.
In a voice quivering with emotion, Enda explained he was a lighthouse-keeper on the Atlantic coast - an ordinary man with an ordinary family in an ordered home, who kept his contract, kept the light going, because peoples' lives depended upon it.
Just like Enda intends keeping his contract with the voters.
The grassroots didn't know whether to applaud or burst into tears.
Councillor Lucinda Creighton introduced Enda. Young, blonde, dressed from head to toe in clinging black and wearing killer heels, Lucinda said Enda had saved the party in its darkest hour.
"With his humanity, his vision, he mended our broken spirit," she heaved.
If he doesn't watch it, he'll turn into a cult. Mind you, it's never done Bertie any harm.
Chiselled and handsome - depending on the light - and with the manly cleft in his chin looking like someone had been at it with a shading pencil, it was agreed Enda looked very well. His delivery was polished and passionate and all about Enda.
"If you enter into this contract with me, you give me a mandate for a better Ireland and I will deliver it" And why is that? "I give it to you with all I have in public life: my word. My honour. My bond." Hooray! They were waving posters of Michael Collins in the body of the hall.
At the end, Enda's wife Fionnuala ran on to the platform. They embraced and waved to the ecstatic crowd. The parliamentary party showed admirable restraint and didn't storm the photo opportunity.
Afterwards, handlers seemed pleased with themselves. Their leader worked the hotel, socialising until the early hours.
PretEnda or ContEnda? It looks like Bertie has a fight on his hands.
