The itinerary for Queen Elizabeth’s Irish visit has been announced. But will it give her a true picture of modern Ireland? The welcoming committee might consider these alternatives

Áras an Uachtaráin / The Zoo

What? Miss the main attraction in Phoenix Park? She would be raging if she wasn’t brought to see Dublin Zoo’s current star: the baby gorilla. And in case that doesn’t float her boat, bring a large deer along. According to that film by Stephen Frears, the old dear loves a nice deer.

The Garden of Remembrance / Dr Quirkey's

It may bring a lump to the throat of those who go there to remember our Fenian dead, but to others the Garden of Remembrance is Ireland’s most boring outdoor urban space. Instead, what about a chat with the smoking mothers-to-be outside the Rotunda or half an hour in Dr Quirkey’s Goodtime Emporium?

A meeting with Enda Kenny / A meeting with the real boss

Given the historic nature of the queen’s visit, it would be remiss of us not to book her in for a chat with the person who runs things around here. So we really should ask Mr Trichet to drop over.

Guinness Storehouse / A pub crawl

Just one measly watering hole? For heaven’s sake, show the girl a good time with a pub tour in a stretch Hummer, taking in the Clarence, the Porterhouse North, the Angler’s Rest, Johnny Fox’s and the taximan’s cousin’s place, finishing off in Zaytoon for a late-night kebab, then on to the Windjammer for an early one.

Irish National Stud, Co Kildare / Dunsink, Dublin

To truly understand the value Ireland places on its equine population, stop off at Dunsink near the M50, where horses and ponies are left to run wild and free. Yes, they might be a bit hungry; yes, they could probably do with a haircut and hooficure – but that’s all part of our culture.

The Rock of Cashel, Co Tipperary / Tayto Park, Co Meath

There’s no denying Cashel’s importance. But if we want to show off a true national treasure and prove we’re over the whole famine-by-Brits thing, bring Her Maj to Tayto Park. By taking the foodstuff associated with the wipeout of millions of Irish people in the 1840s, and turning it into a tasty preserved snack, we have shown entrepreneurship, postcolonial maturity and culinary genius.