Ireland won the Rugby World Cup. Really. If you think about it.
You see, Ireland beat South Africa in the pool stages before progressing on to face New Zealand in the semi-final. Meanwhile, South Africa secured a place in the final by beating England. It didn’t take a genius to work out that if Ireland faced the Springboks again in the last showdown, we’d be looking at an open-top bus doing laps of whatever the southside equivalent of The Spire is. The Frascati Shopping Centre?
Despite getting knocked out by New Zealand, if you add everything up and carry the one, Ireland basically came out as champions after South Africa went on to beat the All Blacks. Because we had already taken down the Springboks, you see? And what we have there is a classic case of Irish Maths.
For months now, “Girl Math” has been trending on social media. Like most things that become a trend these days, “Girl Math” started on TikTok. It began as a fun breakdown of the way some women justify spending money on themselves. Say for instance you buy a dress for €40 and then return it. Congrats! You just made €40! You bought tickets for a concert that isn’t taking place until next year? By the time the show rolls around those tickets are basically free and you should go buck wild at the merch stand. The epitome of Girl Maths (I have to add the S, it’s the law) is buying an extra item online in order to qualify for free shipping.
Girl Maths is not intended to imply women are financially irresponsible but more exposes the mental gymnastics we do to justify spending money on ourselves in a time when society insists that self-care is at the root of all harmony. The trend quickly evolved to include the less charitable “Boy Math” which claimed that men believed 5′9″ and 6′2″ were the same height or that eating the meat on your plate first at a restaurant made sense because it’s the most expensive item. My favourite might have been “Boy Math is being afraid of gold diggers when you only have three pairs of socks to your name”.
[ If you’re a man who never thinks about the Roman Empire, don’t worryOpens in new window ]
Irish people have their own maths, obviously. Aside from being de facto winners of the Rugby World Cup and ditto for Italia ‘90, there’s the general acceptance that using a Leap Card is free. Never mind how often it needs to be topped up and the excruciating top-up process, but when you hold it against the little machine and it goes beep, beep, that’s free travel right there.
Irish maths also comes into play whenever there are protests and marches around contentious subjects. One group’s 3,000 attendees is another’s 800 and both are somehow correct. Whatever number the media decides to go with is also correct. That’s just how the maths work. Driving further to get cheaper petrol is also good maths, as is flying to Turkey to get the teeth done.
Irish Maths really comes into its own in the pub
I never said Irish Maths was ethical, so if the supermarket wants to mine my data in exchange for a price-lowering loyalty card, well then come on in and rifle through the knickers drawer because I want those savings at any cost. If you book the Airbnb for a group holiday using your AIB card and then get everyone’s share delivered in to your Revolut account, well that’s free money! Meanwhile any cash spent airside at Dublin Airport doesn’t count so if you want a fried egg and sausage for €18 you go right ahead.
Irish Maths really comes into its own in the pub. If someone’s not drinking then they don’t have to get a round in, even if their non-alcoholic option costs the same as a pint. A round of shots comes out of the buyer’s own pocket and does not have to be paid in kind as a round of shots is almost always and impulsive and solitary decision. Bacon Fries are communal no matter who paid for them and any pub charging more than a euro for cordial should be sent straight into liquidation. Those are the maths.
Finally and crucially, the only way to justify paying exorbitant Irish rents is to remind yourself that if something breaks you don’t have to pay to fix it. Unless you have a cowboy landlord, and Landlord Maths is the most baffling of all.