Congratulations. You have made it to the end of the year. You are hanging in there by a thread. You have replied with a friendly “thumbs up” emoji to the parents’ WhatsApp group instead of: “You know you’re not supposed to drink the bong water Jenny? Because that is the only explanation I have for you suggesting putting €50 each for the teacher’s present.”
You didn’t say a word when your in-laws said they were staying at yours without being invited in the first place. You did not tell your colleague to stop going on about her wedding, even on day 100 of “throwback” pictures in the breakroom.
Well done you. Your reward is Christmas. A time of hanging out with people we don’t see very often. While drinking heavily and since breakfast. All in the confines of limited indoor space. As the good room gets overheated so does the conversation, leading to some harsh words, grudges and aggressive plate clearing going in the kitchen.
Here are our top three conversational catalysts for rows and how to stop them before they start or dial them up a notch if you need to get it all out.
Beauty & the Beast review: On the way home, younger audience members re-enact scenes. There’s no higher recommendation
Matt Cooper: I’m an only child. I’ve always been conscious of not having brothers or sisters
A Dublin scam: After more than 10 years in New York, nothing like this had ever happened to me
Patrick Freyne: I am becoming a demotivational speaker – let’s all have an averagely productive December
Immigration
How it kicks off: “They’re letting too many people into the country. Ireland is full. They’re mostly economic immigrants anyway – coming here for the good benefits or taking jobs. That’s why we have a housing crisis and can’t get a GP appointment. They’ll be marrying in for the passports. You can say goodbye to the Irish way of life.”
How to start a fight: “So it’s okay for Irish people to be economic immigrants to other countries but we shouldn’t accept any here? Immigrants didn’t cause the housing and health crisis, Irish people making bad decisions while in charge of the country did. Anyway, isn’t our local GP South African? And haven’t you been trying to marry off your son for years to any poor woman that would have him anyway – he might have a chance now.”
How to end it: Ignore the comment and change the subject. Don’t rise to the bait. No one is going to change their views about immigration over Christmas dinner, unfortunately. If the person insists on sharing their unwanted opinion, consider getting a blanket and covering them up the same way you would get a squawking bird in a cage to get it to shut up and go to sleep.
RTÉ
How it kicks off: “I’m never paying my TV licence again. They shouldn’t get a penny of public money after all that. They waste money and they’ve never got anything good on.”
How to start a fight: “You haven’t paid your licence in 10 years because you’re a tight git so I doubt it will make a difference.”
How to end it: A very long lecture on the checks and balances provided by different Government broadcast funding models until everyone’s eyes glaze over and they move on to something else.
Reverse rugby snobbery
How it kicks off: “It was a disgrace how people gloated over the Irish rugby team’s exit from the World Cup after they uplifted the nation with their performance. We’re a nation of begrudgers and it’s only because they love to tear down rugby as a posh sport. It’s classist.”
How to start a fight: “See that’s exactly the kind of sh*t rugby fans say that makes them get bullied and rightfully so. Accountants who went to private school on holiday in France are not an oppressed minority. Also, some Irish fans disrespected Maori culture (sang loudly as New Zealand performed the haka) and for what? A literal game?”
How to end it: Grab a ball. Shoo them outside and let them tackle each other in the mud. They’ll work it out between themselves.
Rude answers to equally rude questions
Aside from controversial topics, the other conversational landmine to avoid at Christmas are those rude questions that somehow fall under the boundary of “okay to ask.”
For example, it’s acceptable to ask someone if they’ll regret not having children but asking a parent if they ever regret having kids will get you asked to leave. Somehow the wrong people got put in charge of drawing the line between what is and what isn’t a rude question. It’s like there’s an Illuminati but instead of being filled with shadowy world leaders aiming to control the world, it’s full of people like your least favourite uncle with the aim of making you feel just a little bit sh*t about your life choices.
Why aren’t you married yet?
Psychologists and assertiveness coaches will tell you the right way to respond with “I don’t feel comfortable answering that’' or “that question is too intimate for me.” Which is the correct and healthy way to set boundaries. But who wants to be correct and healthy when pettiness is enjoyable and also an option. Don’t give the offender the satisfaction to huff back “I was ONLY ASKING ...” to your respectful plea for privacy. Go for it with these responses instead. After all that’s what Christmas really is all about – getting conversational one-ups on nosy people.
Use at your own risk (and immense satisfaction).
Relationship status
Question: “Why aren’t you married yet?”
Answer: “Just lucky I guess.”
Question: Someone in a long-term partnership asks “How is it on the dating apps? I wouldn’t know because I met my partner the old-fashioned way.”
Answer: I can tell. That explains why you think you couldn’t do better and settled down with the nearest warm body you could find. Even though they think “Trump has some good ideas” and has a habit of sending you Revolut requests for €1.45 “for parking” when you go on dates.
If you had the apps you would have so many other options than the only other single friend on the periphery of your already coupled-up friend group. But you know what, it must be very peaceful and quiet at your house given you have absolutely nothing to say to each other than “what’s for dinner?”
Question: “Why are you single?”
Answer: Do you still like your spouse? Or does his inability to eat a simple biscuit without registering a noise complaint from the local council make you consider leaving him on a daily basis?
Question: Why did you get a divorce? Couldn’t you work it out?
Answer: Well, I guess some of us think we deserve a second chance at happiness. But good for you for taking the other route and sticking it out with your partner.
Question: Aren’t you worried about getting older and finding a man? You shouldn’t be too picky.
Answer: Your wife should have been.
Family matters
Question: “Why don’t you have kids?”
Answer: I spent time with yours.
Question: Do you let your kids watch iPads/television for that long usually? Back in my day, we didn’t have any of that to keep them entertained. We just managed.
Answer: Yes, but you had all that lead paint and capital punishment in schools to help kids stay occupied. Plus I suspect parenting might have been less stressful in the days when you were allowed to smoke in the car with kids without having to wrestle them into a seat belt first. You know back in the good old days when they were handing out benzodiazepine scripts like Skittles and going to the pub was a family day out as long as the kids had a packet of crisps.
Is that a new car? On top of going on holiday this year? How are you affording all this?
Question: When are you going to have another baby? You don’t want to leave too much of an age gap between siblings.
Answer: We haven’t decided yet. But you will be the first to know. In fact, because you have taken such an interest in a personal topic, why don’t I text you every time we have unprotected sex while we’re trying and you can track our progress in real-time?
Money and Work
Question: “Your new partner has done very well financially for himself haven’t they? I suppose that’s why you’re with him?
Answer: Oh God no, I’m just using him for sex.
Question: Is that a new car? On top of going on holiday this year? How are you affording all this?
Answer: I would tell you but that would make you an accessory after the fact.
[ Brianna Parkins: We should all come with instruction manuals at workOpens in new window ]
Question: So I hear you’ve been made redundant, what are you going to do with your life now?
Answer: I’m so glad you asked because I am working on a new and exciting venture that is seeking smart potential investors like you. For just €10,000 I get you in on the ground floor.
Miscellaneous rudeness
Question: “What were you thinking, getting those tattoos? What are they going to look like when you get old?”
Answer: Oh the same, just older. Pity I can’t say the same about you. After all those years of judgmental lip pursing, your face has really changed and taken on the same puckered likeness as a cat’s arse, hasn’t it?
Question: When do you think you’ll downsize or move into a retirement home? This place must be too big for just you as you get older?
Answer: I was actually thinking of moving in with you. I’m so glad you brought this up otherwise it would have been so awkward.
Question: What will you do now that you’re retired and your children are all grown up? You must not know what to do with yourself now. Won’t you be lonely?
Answer: No, I finally have time to do all the things I’ve wanted to do but never had time for like hosting and attending large-scale group o****s.
Question: I know you said you’re from Navan but where are you really from? Like actually? Because, no offence you don’t look 100 per cent Irish.
Answer: Thank God for that. No offence.
