Tips on how to plan a holiday

PLANNING

Forget those elaborate shoppathons and exotic breaks of a few short years ago. This year its all about the cheap and nasty package deal or, if funds are especially tight, a week in a ghost estate in Leitrim.

LEAVING WORK

The days before departure can be spent working yourself into a fever that lasts the entire holiday.

Or you can confine preparation for your absence to a well crafted email vacation message: “No I haven’t suddenly started answering your emails. I am on holiday and this is an automatic reply. I will stop getting back to you on my return.”

REQUESTING LEAVE

Let your boss know of your holiday plans, but time that annual-leave booking carefully. Its hard to beat an email from the airport.

PACKING

Everything carefully packed, theres just one last-minute thing to do: weigh your luggage. This is the start of a 10-hour nightmare – of unpacking, checking the airline’s allowance, dumping all books and shoes. Ever thought about a naturist holiday? Much easier.

SWITCHING OFF

On arrival, switch off phone roaming, ignore all Internet cafes. If you run into a colleague on holiday, feign non-recognition. Practise telling a story in broken English, about how your mother had your identical twin adopted by an Irishwoman many years ago. End with: Tell my tween I say ’allo. And our dog Bonaparte he die. Never fails.

Words: Conor Goodman