Why do we say yes when every fibre of our being screams no? 'Be my child's godparent?', 'Let's do a couple's holiday', 'Christmas dinner with us?' Why is 'no' so hard?
Put simply, saying "yes" feels nicer. Saying "no" produces resistance, says Brian Colbert, master trainer of neuro-linguistic programming at the Irish Institute of NLP. "It's about power, either our personal power or the other person's – we don't like to take away power and we don't like to give away our power either."
Saying 'no' ties me up in knots
Being asked to do something you don't want to do can create internal conflict: "Yes, I want you to like me" and "But no, I don't want to do the Camino together". "We like feeling approval, we like getting recognition, we like to not reject someone because that's not the type of person we want to be perceived as," says Colbert. Hence the knots. "We know the right answer is 'no,' but the people pleaser is compelling us to say 'yes'. We don't want to lose that person's affection," says Colbert.
To say 'no', say 'yes' first
People don't like to hear "no", so just don't say it, says Colbert. There are nicer ways to decline. "If someone is inviting you for Christmas dinner, it's because they like you, you would assume, so meet them on an emotional level and respect their request," says Colbert. "Make your first response, 'I'd like to, I'd love to, I want to...'"
That sounds like a 'yes' to me...
Here's where you have to be careful. "Saying things like, 'I just' or 'I can't' feels uncomfortable, as it directly relates to you," says Colbert. He recommends using language such as, "I'd love to spend Christmas with you, but that's not possible or "it's not possible". This creates distance between you and the hard thing. Back it up with a good reason, such as another commitment. People recognise that you can't break a promise. "Recognise their feelings, distance the language from yourself and then give your reason."
Can I say 'no' to my child?
Of course, but how you say it can sidestep an exasperating tussle. For example: "Yes, you can have a biscuit, after you have eaten your dinner." And if they, "Want it now," try, " I know you love biscuits. I know you want one now, and you can have it after your dinner." This stops you both getting entrenched in a power struggle.
What about my boss?
The playbook here is remarkably similar. If your boss wants that report by 5pm, give them a "yes" upfront and then qualify it, says Colbert. "Say, 'Yes, I can do that. Now what would you like me to park to get it done?' They are getting the word 'yes', not the word 'no'. They are seeing that 'yes' has a consequence, but what you are doing is handing back the authority to them to create the space," says Colbert.
Is there a place for a hard 'no'?
Yes. But it can sometimes help to buy yourself some time. If a colleague asks you to do something and you want to say "no", pause first, says Colbert. "If you are not good at saying 'no', slow down and take a breath. A knee-jerk reaction won't be well thought out. You could try, 'Give me a second, just let me think…' and then you can say, 'That's not possible. I have other commitments.' Strip back the language, keep it simple. And the trick is not to say 'no' first. Delay before you say it."
