I, like many others, have diverted from the traditional social script. The one that goes: grow up in family (or with other people), flat share, long-term relationship and maybe children, and companionable later life. It all involves living with other people and for a long time I followed the plot.
I was used to sharing homes with others and I felt it to be my natural habitat – we are sociable beings – so the notion of veering off the life plan and living on my own was scary. A lot of what we think is all in our heads (more complex than it sounds); guided by events past, opinions from friends and family, and clichéd notions lazily regenerated in various media. We imagine what the future will hold if we take certain steps and, guided by fear, we can cling on so hard we get scraped along an old road.
“Being made redundant was the best thing that happened to me,” said a friend last week whose job of 20 years ended when the business owner brought in a family member to do her work (with a different job title). She sobbed for weeks, did a course, got another, better job and “my world opened up”. But of course we hang on – we might not get a job, or a new partner (albeit some people don’t want one – which could either be totally reasonable or an unhelpful coping mechanism), or a place to live – and that is terrifying.
When I contemplated living alone, what played in my head was this: I would sleep fitfully as my mind reconstructed and recycled what had happened, I would find the silence heavy and I would feel alone.
“It’s just me now,” I thought as the door closed on the last lovely friend who’d helped me move in and launched my new life with prosecco. And I was faced with the question of what I would do now – literally, in that moment. Whatever I did would not be dictated by anyone else, not informed by a television being on, by someone needing assistance with something, by a meal needing to be cooked. I could do what I wanted – and sometimes choice is scary – it can at times seem easier to drift about guided by the actions of others who are somehow also guided by the actions of you.
Because I had ditched the television there was no option to screen my thoughts for hours and I could hardly lie on the floor and do nothing. Actually I could, who would stop me (except my own inner drive). So you begin to do your thing: read a book, scrape layers of toffee-brittle gloss paint off the stairs, light a fire, plant bulbs, read the paper, text people, take things into the attic – whatever. You gradually learn your own flow and what you like doing when. No one is a “lazy” person: we are all blocked about doing certain tasks, and energised by other ones. And sometimes we are spurred to do something we couldn’t face an hour earlier. And in going with your flow you learn about you: your likes, your dislikes, your natural body clock, your energy and your ennui.
Whatever you do is not watched, so it cannot be judged a waste of time, or the “wrong” thing, or a task being done at the wrong time or, indeed, mad. Rarely does anyone do day-to-day tasks at the wrong time or in the wrong way: it is only that if it is being judged by someone who does it differently.
Contrary to my own preconceived belief that slumber would be a nightmare, I slept soundly. My street is silent, the home has a good vibe (thank-you previous inhabitants) and I felt calm. Where were the anticipated head-spinning thoughts? I felt I had landed in a cosy nest and in my natural state of being.
I always knew I did not want to live alone forever. And I don’t now. It lasted a year and a half. And in that time I learned a lot about myself and, funnily enough, it made it easier to live with someone else. Even if I compromise to suit them sometimes – which is how any people live together – I know what I like and where the compromise is.
Living alone is not all nirvana (for me anyway) but there is much learning in it. And there is a proviso, while time spent living alone can be valuable it is not about being alone in the world – that is not funny. Living alone ideally involves someone you can text with life’s trivia at any time (be it a good friend, family member or lover – or all three), a friend who you can phone, drop in on or go out for coffee with at any time, as well as other friends and family.
We all need connections and a support network – and sometimes we need to be at home alone.
