ASK THE EXPERT: Your parenting queries answered
Q
Our three-year-old son who normally has excellent speech has been mute almost every second day for the past six weeks. He speaks almost continuously on other days and seems to be really normal and very happy then. Before this he became mute for shorter periods of time; this behaviour began when he turned three years of age in March.
This is about the time that I became less tolerant of whingeing and of his wanting things to be done exactly his way – I was a bit easier on him for several months because he had so many infections. I have become more definite with my “no” responses and have put him in the hall for his complete grumpiness in the mornings.
His tantrums of the past have shown us that he is incredibly stubborn and I believe that this behaviour is linked with his stubbornness and a reaction to my emphasis on him “using his words”. We try to ignore this behaviour, but we have not been brilliant at this. Most of the time we pretend that he is talking so as not to make an issue out of it.
We have asked him when he is speaking about why he didn’t talk; sometimes he indicates that it was because we disciplined him and that he is angry, but on the days that he wakes up and decides not to speak for the day he has later said that he didn’t want to. We ask him will he talk tomorrow and he usually says that he will; yesterday we asked him would he talk tomorrow and he said that he would and then we asked him would he speak every day and he said, “I will and then I won’t”; then he didn’t say anything other than a few baby words today that I’m trying to ignore.
We (including the childminder) have noticed that when he is speaking on his good day he will stop speaking as soon as he is disciplined. We don’t slap and I don’t think our discipline is too harsh, but the situation seems to be getting worse in that he is mute more than he is speaking. Sometimes we ask him if he will talk at a certain time, but unless there is some very special incentive he will not talk. Are we doing the right thing by telling him to talk for any extra special treats? What should we do?
A
Some children become selectively mute in certain social situations, for example only speaking in the home and not in school. This is usually thought to have its source in anxiety or an extreme form of shyness, whereby the child gets into a pattern of not talking and finds this very hard to break.
From the information you give me, however, your son’s not speaking appears to have a different source and seems to be more of a battle for control. The fact that it started when you adopted a different discipline style is significant and, unfortunately, you might have got caught into a battle of wills with your son. As you punish your son, he is using his not speaking as a means of getting back at you (as he senses that this matters a lot to you). Legitimately, speaking is his choice and it is up to him when he speaks and all you can do is invite and encourage him to be social.
The key to moving forward is to take the battle out of your discipline. It can help to make sure to adopt a much more positive form of discipline that uses time-out sanctions only as a last resort and which positively shows him how you want him to behave. For example, when he is grumpy in the morning, rather than saying, “Don’t be grumpy” (which can come out negatively), it can work better to say, “Come on, let’s hear your happy voice” (which you should model in your own tone of voice).
Depending on the situation, sometimes a distraction to do something else or acknowledging his feelings – or even giving him a sympathetic hug – might work to divert him from his mood. If he continues to be grumpy, you can simply ignore or unhook from reacting and only attend when he behaves more positively. If you do choose to use a time out, make it a positive choice – “Calm down now or you will have to sit over here” and/or “When you calm down, you can come back and play”. Once he gets the experience of co-operating and getting praise and attention, this will greatly reduce the battle regarding his speaking.
The second element is not to make a big deal out of the fact when he chooses not to speak. Do not ask him why he does not speak and try not to get annoyed or show frustration as this will increase the stand-off. Instead go through the day as you would normally, talking to him and doing the things you normally do. If he does break his silence, casually comment on this – “Nice to hear you chat” – but be very careful about gloating (“That wasn’t so hard, was it?”) or being too pleading (“It means so much to me when you speak) as that may cause him to be defensive or to make speaking a central issue of control again.
You ask in your question whether it is okay to use treats to help him speak. I would say that it can help to use naturally occurring rewards to help him communicate. For example, if he is silent and wants his juice you can say gently, “When you ask nicely you can have your juice.” Once again, it is important to use a positive tone of voice as you ask him and to praise him – “You asked very politely, that is nice.”
Picture charts and planned rewards can also be helpful. For example, you can draw up a list of natural talking situations such as mealtimes, book reading, playing together and so on, and explain to him that he can earn a star for each of these situations if he is chatty, social and happy. Make sure to choose a small reward he wants – for example, you can use small chocolate buttons instead of stars if that works. The goal of the chart is to build co-operation between the two or you and to break the battle – it only takes one or two successful days to achieve this.
If the problem continues, go see a child mental health professional. You can get a referral via your GP or public health nurse.
Dr John Sharry is a social worker and psychotherapist and director of Parents Plus charity. His website is solutiontalk.ie.
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but John regrets that he cannot enter into individual correspondence.