Dear Roe,
I am a 39-year-old Irish woman and have been dating a guy for five years. We live together and moved to a new country two years ago. He comes from a European country that values modesty, quietness and the idea that you don’t speak unless you have something meaningful to contribute. At first I found this intriguing and respectful – us Irish often talk in circles and can interrupt each other.
But recently it has been a cause of anxiety, as it seems to have extended beyond quietness to a general reluctance to participate. With my family, he is disinterested and will join in only on occasion. We move in social circles where we rely on work colleagues, as most of our close friends live further away. At these events, he will say nothing or, to my surprise, act socially awkward and unable to initiate any conversation. Recently at a work barbecue he complained that "no one spoke to me" during the three hour event.
It is not about shyness though – he also doesn’t try to initiate a social network for us which I have been trying to build. When we are alone, we do laugh together but small moments have become tricky. He comes across as standoffish which really hurts my feelings, especially if I am in a great mood and he expresses disdain for “small talk”. The issue has caused conflict and resentment. I am unsure if this issue is one of communication, cultural difference or personality incompatibility.
Those are not mutually exclusive options, and it seems possible that a combination of all three factors are at play. But it’s clear that this breakdown in communication is affecting not just your relationship with your partner, but your shared familial and social relationships too, and so maybe putting one exclusive label on the cause of these communication issues is less helpful than addressing how they they’re impacting you both.
The pain you are feeling is very apparent – an unnecessary source of extra stress after a life-changing move to a new country. What also immediately strikes me is that your partner’s communication style doesn’t seem to be making him very happy, either. He is feeling excluded at social gatherings, finding it hard to create social networks and support systems, and now his relationship with you is suffering. You both need to have a very honest and non-judgmental conversation about your individual communication styles, so you can understand each other’s experience and perspective, and decide how to move forward.
Ask him how he feels about the apparent difficulty he has had connecting with colleagues and your family. Ask him what it’s like to experience a culture where the communication style is very different to his own, and if he found it easier connecting with others in his home country. Ask him how incidents such as the barbecue where no one spoke to him make him feel, and ask him how he would have preferred that event to go, or what would have been helpful to him. It could be that he doesn’t feel comfortable initiating conversations, but is comfortable chatting when other people speak to him first. Or he could be more comfortable being a quiet participant in group conversations, where he doesn’t have to be the main focus.
It could be that he's unaware of how his communication style is being perceived
This conversation will hopefully illuminate more about his values around communication, and if there are any ways you could help him by facilitating introductions, etc. It could also clarify if there are other issues such as social anxiety, low confidence or depression at play, which may be affecting his desire or ability to communicate with people, and could be helped by therapy.
Then, it’s extremely important for you to express how his silence and reticence is affecting you and your relationship, and how he can make you feel appreciated and heard. There is a huge difference between being “quiet” or “modest”, and expressing “disdain” for or acting “disinterested” in other people’s opinions, experiences and conversations. The latter is unacceptable and unsustainable in a relationship. Clearly explain times where you felt he was disdainful or disinterested, and explain what he could have done to make you feel more appreciated. Also explain how the stress of trying to establish a social network for both of you has been affecting you, and how he could help.
It could be that he’s unaware of how his communication style is being perceived and affecting you, in which case he should be eager to brainstorm solutions that feel comfortable for both of you. Couples counselling with a therapist who focuses on improving communication could be helpful. Exercises that focus on confidence and communication could also be an option. No one loves small talk, but it is often a necessary brick on the road to establishing more meaningful friendships and relationships. He might find that re-framing small talk as “useful” in this larger sense and working on it will help him, socially. He doesn’t have to become the loudest person in the room, but could he work on asking more questions, listening more actively, changing his body language, or feeling comfortable contributing a bit more?
But if he seems unwilling to offer you the same understanding, empathy and accommodation that you are offering him, then this extends beyond a communication problem to a consideration problem. And if you clearly communicate anything to your partner, make sure it’s that you won’t settle for that.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
