Dear Roe,
My girlfriend and I don't live together and so have been limited in how much we have been able to see each other during Covid. Not being able to have sex has been difficult and my girlfriend has mentioned sexting. I want to, but neither of us have a lot of experience. Do you have any suggestions to get started?
There’s a scene in one of my favourite films, Before Sunset, where Céline (Julie Delpy) tells Jesse (Ethan Hawke) that one of her friends gives her dates a sexual survey, including questions about dirty talk. Jesse looks utterly baffled and intimidated by the idea – until Céline asks him whether he enjoys hearing a particular, utterly unprintable euphemism for a vagina. Immediately his face lights up and he exclaims, “I love it!” The scene illustrates an important point: talking about sex often seems intimidating and uncomfortable – but when the aim is to forge connection and understand each other’s pleasure, talking about sex not only quickly gets results, but can be a lot of fun.
The most important thing to remember about sexting is to make it feel like you and part of your shared sex life. When sexting, many people default to echoing what they have heard in pornography and other media, merely parroting scripts, words and phrases they think they “should” find sexy, instead of staying true to their voice and what actually works for them.
Before you start sexting, talk about it – and talk about sex. Think of what you both enjoy about the sex you have with each other and what you’d like from sexting, so that when you start writing the texts, it feels like another expression of your sexual relationship, not something completely separate and performative. Ask each other what kind of words you enjoy hearing and reading – words for your body parts, verbs to describe certain acts, any words that are utter mood-killers. Do you want this to have elements of fantasy, where you can explore sexual acts or scenarios that are outside your in-person sex life, or do you want to stay connected to what you have done together?
If you enjoy some fantasy, lay out the basic scenario with each other beforehand. If you want to stay connected to your in-person sex life, talk about the best sex you have ever had and what made it so great – what did you find sexy about the other person in the moments before having sex, what were you both doing, how did it feel? Choose language and phrases that fit with what sex feels like between you. Are you romantic, playful, sensual? Do you enjoy the emotional connection, teasing, innuendo or being more explicit? Feel free to swap some outside material for inspiration if that helps – erotica you enjoy or film or television scenes that have sexy dialogue.
Having these conversations beforehand means that when you start, you will be able to talk about what turns you both on and keep it connected to your sex life. Like all sex acts, ensure you’re both comfortable exploring what feels good and discovering a new facet of your sexuality together. Enjoy!
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford