Dear Roe,
I’m a woman in my early 30s, and I’m exhausted by dating. I know my worth, and I refuse to settle. I have a great career, take care of myself, and live a full life. I also know what I’m attracted to – ambition, confidence, and a man who takes pride in himself and his success. I want to find my person. But it keeps ending terribly, with me hurt and confused by another emotionally unavailable man. I just got out of another relationship that, on paper, should have been perfect. He was everything I usually go for – successful, driven, charismatic. From the start, he made me feel like I was unlike anyone he’d ever met. He would say things like, “I’ve never connected with someone like this before” and talked about holidays together, would drop hints and jokes about living together in a beautiful home. I believed him because he sounded so sure. But when it came down to real commitment, things were murky. He’d be affectionate and present in person, but was hard to keep in contact with consistently and make plans with. When I tried to bring up what we were doing he’d assure me he felt deeply for me, that I was special, but he wasn’t in the right place for “labels” or pressure. I didn’t push too hard because I didn’t want to seem needy. But after nearly a year of this, I felt crazy. He said all the right things, but I was left second-guessing everything, found myself over-analysing texts like a teenager. The most embarrassing bit is that in the end, he was still the one to leave me. My friends (who are nearly all engaged or married) keep telling me I need to stop being so picky, but I don’t want to end up with someone because I was desperate and lonely and lowered my standards.
You sound like you have a busy life and schedule and no more time for nonsense so I’m going to be your best friend right now and get straight to the point: Your problem isn’t that you are too picky or that your standards are too high. Your problem is that you place huge value on superficial things that have repeatedly proven not to bring you happiness and you have remarkably low standards around everything that matters.
You are stuck in a pattern that you recognise – you get with emotionally unavailable men who have a lot of superficial qualities you think are good on paper. Because you believe that this superficial stuff (I’m guessing good looks, makes money, a bit flashy) makes someone valuable, you attempt to make yourself as palatable as possible. You make yourself seem easy-going, chill, needless, and you silence your desire for everything else, like consistency, honesty, commitment, love.
I ended my situationship six months ago but I’m still not over him. How do I move on?
Where can my wife and I access porn that is both legal and erotic?
I think I’m in love with my ‘situationship’ but he doesn’t feel the same
‘My brother-in-law wants to move in with us but I don’t think my marriage will survive it’
You need to start valuing the right things. Where are your supposedly high standards for how a man treats you? For how he shows up for you consistently? For how he makes you feel – not just in the honeymoon phase when he’s saying all the right things, but in the reality of day-to-day life? You’ve built a successful, full life for yourself, yet you are accepting the emotional equivalent of table scraps in relationships. Think about what was missing in your past relationships that left you hurt, drained, and doubting yourself. Was it emotional availability? Consistency? A willingness to truly build a future with you instead of just fantasising about one? Prioritise finding that. Not flashy words, not grand gestures that fizzle into excuses, but the qualities that create a healthy, lasting partnership.
You say you like ambitious, driven men – but why? Is it just about the money? The status? Or is it because ambition signals passion, discipline, and the ability to commit to something long-term? If it’s the latter, gorgeous – but ask yourself why the men you choose don’t apply that same level of dedication to their relationships. If a man can chase his career, commit to goals, and work through challenges but somehow can’t text you back or give you basic reassurance, then you’re not dealing with a truly ambitious person. You’re dealing with someone who simply prioritises himself above all else.
You cannot build a relationship on potential. On what someone could be if only they were ready if only their life circumstances changed, if only they chose to prioritise you. The right person won’t need to be convinced to show up. They will be there, consistently, because that’s who they are – not just what they say.
[ I asked my husband for a divorce – everyone thinks I made a mistake. Did I?Opens in new window ]
And speaking of consistency, let’s talk about your own. You say you know your worth, but do your actions reflect that? Or do you repeatedly silence yourself, suppress your needs, and stay in situations that don’t serve you because you’re afraid of seeming too needy? Be honest: is your fear of not being seen with someone who looks good on paper more than your fear of not finding genuine love? Is your fear of rejection stronger than your fear of ending up in another relationship where you feel unseen and undervalued? Because right now, you are accepting partners who don’t choose you fully, but you’re terrified of being the one to walk away first.
Here’s your new standard: if someone says, “I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship” or “I don’t like labels”, you leave. No negotiation. No more waiting for someone to change. No more mistaking hesitation for depth. A man who is ready and willing to be with you will make that clear – not just with words, but with actions. And start paying attention to how people behave, not what they tell you about themselves or communicate to the world about who they are via status symbols and titles. How do they act? How do they make you feel? How do they show you that they’re a good person and would make a good partner, not simply that they meet an arbitrary checklist you have in your head of things that don’t make you happy?
This isn’t about lowering your standards. This is about raising them where they matter. Activate your self-worth. Accept and receive the things that are important to you. And ask yourself: what conditioning has made you devalue emotional security, consistency and partnership, while overvaluing charm, success and empty words?
The kind of relationship you want requires work. Not work to prove yourself to someone or to twist yourself into the “perfect” woman, but work in the sense of choosing the right things and putting effort into what creates happiness. So what are you willing to put the work into? Chasing unavailable men, or building something real with someone who values you the way you deserve?
It’s time to choose differently. It’ll be transformative, I promise. Good luck.
