I’m a woman in my mid twenties. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years, and we were friends from work before this. He makes me so happy and we connect so well as people, but the physical side doesn’t always come naturally to me (it does to him). I’ve felt strong physical attractions to other lads in the past but these were never such healthy dynamics; there was often an imbalance in attraction levels or even a taboo element. I once heard “the more toxic the relationship, the better the sex” and this stuck with me. I think I’ve resigned myself to thinking that in a relationship you can have one of two things: loving connection or great sex, but not both. I know I’m really lucky to have such a good all-round connection with my boyfriend, but would you have any tips on how to work on the physical side?
It’s wise to reflect on your internal narratives about sex and desire. Many of our ideas around sex are tangled in personal history, self-image and cultural myths. The notion that hot sex and sweet romance are mutually exclusive, or that toxic dynamics equal great sex, is a harmful myth — especially for women. So much of our culture equates toxicity with passion. Films, TV and romance novels condition women to see the awful, baggage-laden, avoidant man as a vulnerable dreamboat who just needs their patience and unwavering devotion — and promises that they’ll be rewarded not only with love but with risqué sex. This trope conditions so many of us to perceive toxic, unhealthy dynamics as passionate and exciting, when actually they’re just causing us insecurity, confusion and emotional pain.
As humans, we often confuse danger and insecurity as passion or lust. In a classic study in social psychology, researchers Dutton and Aron set up a study on a bridge to show how emotions can influence attraction. Male participants crossed either a high, shaky suspension bridge that made them feel scared and excited or a low, stable bridge that felt safe and unthreatening. At the end of the bridge, they met an attractive woman researcher who asked them to fill out a survey and gave them her phone number for follow-up questions. Men who crossed the shaky bridge were more likely to call her later and wrote more sexually charged stories in the survey. The researchers concluded that the men misinterpreted the physical arousal from the scary bridge — like their increased heart rate and sweaty palms — as an attraction to the woman, showing how our emotions and physical reactions can shape what we feel and how we behave.
You’re mistaking the absence of desperation for the absence of passion, but healthy love isn’t boring
This same effect often plagues people in their dating and sex lives. They meet someone emotionally unavailable, inconsistent and unpredictable who makes them feel unsteady and insecure, and they mistake this anxiety for passion or attraction. These dynamics are often rooted in instability, power dynamics and anxiety, which can heighten the intensity of feeling — but not good feelings.
For people who have issues with self-esteem or self-worth, this dynamic can also play into their insecurities, as they unconsciously chase unattainable people to prove themselves worthy of love, unwittingly trapping themselves in a cycle of looking to emotionally unavailable people to validate them, which they never do, and the pattern continues.
In past relationships, you may have experienced this instability and insecurity, which left you constantly trying to prove yourself to men who only occasionally gave you attention. The chase and the drama left you obsessing, constantly questioning yourself, and when they finally gave you a scrap of attention, it felt like finally being given water after crawling through the desert.
Now, you have water on tap. To be clear: that is a beautiful thing, to have love, validation, affection and support in plentiful supply. But you remember how intense it felt when you were dying of thirst, and are mistaking that for passion. You need to deprogramme that belief. You’re mistaking the absence of desperation for the absence of passion, but healthy love isn’t boring. Passion doesn’t have to emerge from insecurity; it can be cultivated in safety and trust.
There are a few things you can do. First, you need to shift the narrative. It’s important to unlearn the idea that healthy equates to unsexy or that passion is only tied to dysfunction. Passion isn’t a trait you either have or don’t have, it’s a skill you can build. Start by reframing how you see your boyfriend. He’s not just the “safe and steady one”, he’s also a complex, sensual person who could surprise you when given space to play in that realm. Similarly, you are not “bad at the physical side”, you’re just exploring how to ignite it in a different context.
If you find yourself repeatedly thinking about exes, make a list of their undesirable behaviours, such as withholding affection, being hard to read, being unpredictable, being commitment-phobic, and note where you romanticise these behaviours as being cool or sexy. Reframe them in your mind as being immature, flaky, non-assertive, cowardly and undesirable until you find these behaviours completely boring and undesirable instead of tantalising. On the other hand, list all of your boyfriend’s great qualities, such as being reliable, romantic and considerate, and reframe them from being “safe” to being active choices that show self-awareness and maturity and are not only desirable but challenging, asking you to show up as a partner who can appreciate and reciprocate them.
Because I think this type of intimacy is challenging for you. It’s easy to find novelty sexy. But real intimacy and being sexual with someone who knows you fully can feel very vulnerable. It asks you to turn up as all of you, instead of letting you separate your sexual self from your loving self. It’s worth reflecting on why you found sexual interactions easier with men who didn’t know or love you as much as your boyfriend. Could there be some social conditioning that is making you think that expressing yourself sexually is incompatible with being a good, respectable girlfriend? Is there a fear of being judged for your sexual desires by someone who you care about deeply? Or was there an element of performativity in your previous sexual interactions that you find harder to tap into with a partner who knows you well? Exploring and naming these barriers can help you start to dismantle them.
If particular things turn you on, such as anticipation, feeling desired, power dynamics or experimentation, explore these. You could read erotic stories that engage with these aspects that could help you tap into that part of your sexuality that hasn’t yet surfaced in this relationship, then bring that energy to your boyfriend. Even better, you could share your desires with him and see if you could explore these things together. Novelty is great for passion, and if you two haven’t explored these dynamics before, this could open up a whole new level of excitement and desire. Focusing on sensuality over sex, such as choosing long make-out sessions, massages and slowly exploring each other’s bodies, can also open up new forms of desire.
Many of the strongest connections are built like this: with a foundation of friendship, and a commitment to building romance, intimacy and passion over time, with care and intention.
You have a gorgeous foundation — now work on building something incredible, intimate and exciting. Keep the conversation open, stay curious and give yourself permission to explore.
