Question
Our 16-year-old daughter has stopped going to school regularly. She says it’s because she can’t get up in the morning and doesn’t care about going to school. She says it is because of her anxiety and mental health issues.
We took her to see our GP and also a private counsellor. We also talked to her school about it. They all say that the reason she can’t go to school is because of her lifestyle. She is always on her mobile phone and not getting enough sleep. Our daughter disagrees that the phone is the issue and we can’t get her to stop using it in the evening time. (We think the mobile phone is a part of the issue, but also that she has some mental health issues too).
She’s sometimes a bit moody, but acts fine apart from not going to school. She has friends and goes out socially and shopping, so she is well able to do things that she likes doing.
Our question is – should we forcefully take the mobile from her? We think that if we do, she might get aggressive and make the situation worse. Or should we leave the situation as it is, but try to encourage her to go to school in a gentle manner? She’s harmed herself before and what we want to avoid it happening again.
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We, of course, want her to go to school, but, at the end of the day, we don’t want to make the situation worse.
Answer
When teenagers find it hard to go to school, parents are usually put under great pressure to be “strict” or to “take control” and even to force the issue with their child.
However, forceful interventions are very problematic and, as you rightly judge, can easily make things worse for you and your child. If you forcefully remove the phone without first getting your daughter’s consent, you could invoke fightback, aggression and even self-harm (given she has a history of this).
Even if your daughter appears to comply with your “force”, you disempower her from solving her own problems and making her own decisions. Also, your actions could damage your relationship with her and she might no longer see you as a support and may be less likely to trust you in the future.
Finally, simply removing the mobile phone in the evening may not solve the problem of her not going to school, when there are likely to be many other issues at play such as her anxiety and mental health challenges, as well as her being demotivated by the school curricula.
Take time to listen and understand
Try to understand what your daughter is going through. When she says she is anxious about going to school, take this seriously and, gently, inquire about what she is anxious about. Simply acknowledging or repeating what she said can be enough to encourage her to say more.
You are trying to get a sense of which parts of school are difficult so you can think with her about what might help. For some children, it might be the academic work, for others it might be the social aspects. For some, the challenge could be during class time and for others it could be during the break or informal times.
Explore with her about whether she is getting a good night’s sleep and what the factors are in preventing her from doing so. Ask her about her mobile phone and role it has in her life so you can understand why she finds it hard to give it up at night. For many teens (and adults), the mobile phone is their main source of social connection and entertainment. The prospect of losing it is like being asked to sever a limb. While it can have downsides, the phone can also provide benefits. For example, while it can keep many teens up at night, others might use it to help them sleep by listening to music or a podcast. Take time to understand how your daughter uses the phone and what it means in her life.
Explore win-win solutions
Encourage your daughter to think up solutions that will work for her and also for you as her parents (who are concerned for her welfare). Explore with her, how you can address the sources of anxiety at school, how you can make things easier for her when she goes, and what supports might help her. Encourage her to reflect about what will help her get a better night’s sleep.
You might discuss the pros and cons of having the phone late at night and identify new routines to make it work better. For example, you might agree to switch off wifi at a certain time so she is not distracted on social media, but agree that she can listen to downloaded music and selected podcasts that help her relax.
Explore supports that might help
In supporting your daughter’s attendance at school it is important to collaborate with the teachers to create a positive plan that your daughter is on board with. This might mean meeting the year head to share the sources of your daughter’s anxiety and asking for their support in addressing some of these. It also might help for your daughter to attend counselling or to return to the private counsellor if she felt understood and affirmed there. Alternatively, you might attend family counselling which might give you space to listen to one another and to make agreements together.
[ Smartphones and social media are destroying children’s mental healthOpens in new window ]
Be patient as you problem solve
It can take a lot of time and patience to sort out challenging issues such as school anxiety and poor sleep. This might involve lots of talking and problem solving as well as trying out plans and revising them to try something else if they don’t work. The important thing is to give your daughter a sense that you are on her side and that you are working together to sort things out.
Also, be careful about over-focusing on problems, and continue to support what is going well in your daughter’s life such as her socialising. Keep a focus also on maintaining a warm supportive relationship with her as this is what will help most in the long term.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering a workshop on Supporting Teenagers Self-esteem on Tuesday, October 22nd at 8pm. See solutiontalk.ie.