It was after moving from a small primary school to a large secondary school that Emmy first heard what she calls “the eating disorder voice”, at the age of 12.
Up to then, “I was a perfectly happy child, really lovely childhood, loving parents”. But she remembers feeling “deep distress” at making that transition from her small Co Laois school to second level.
“I don’t know where those feelings came from because, up to this point, I had had very good self-esteem. I just remember feeling incredibly self-conscious and fixated on the appearance of others, thinking they’re very beautiful and sophisticated. I kind of fixated on people who I thought were slimmer than me. I wasn’t a big child or overweight but it’s when I experienced the first body dysmorphia and I wanted to be like them.
“I believed that to become slimmer, I would achieve what I wanted the most, which was acceptance. I wasn’t bullied or anything but I couldn’t fit in.”
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That’s what started it but once you get into patterns of behaviour with this illness, it’s very hard to get out, Emmy explains. “It becomes your way of life.”
Her mother used to leave a chocolate bar out for her on her return from school and Emmy, the middle child of three, started to put it back in the cupboard every day.
“It was very furtive for me at the beginning, which was why my family didn’t realise anything was wrong. It started with the treats and, as I became more and more ill, it crept into normal foods. I’d bring lunch to school but I wouldn’t eat it. I’d kind of nibble with it when with others and give off a semblance that I was eating.” Peers didn’t seem to notice and her anxiety about socialising meant she didn’t develop close friendships.
“My adolescence was a very painful time; a very lonely time and the illness was my only friend really.” Now she knows better but at the time it seemed to provide comfort and assurance, she says, “the things most people would seek in a friend”.
Her parents noticed she had become strangely fussy about food and was withdrawn, when previously she had been very chatty. But she knows that is often regarded as typical behaviour in the teenage years. She was very good at keeping her illness hidden and her habits became more entrenched.
I am barely living, I am barely surviving, what’s going on? The illness makes you amazingly blind to how ill you are, it’s crazy
When she left home to study English literature in Trinity College Dublin, “the illness ran riot”. Up to then, “I was just so desperate to keep it hidden because I was afraid of interference from my parents.” But away from home, no one was watching. At age 20 Emmy finally faced up to her eating disorder because it was interfering with her studies.
“People don’t realise the huge impact it can have on concentration, I think that is what made me acknowledge it in the end: I am barely living, I am barely surviving, what’s going on?” Now aged 28, she is incredulous that she didn’t realise how sick she was. “The illness makes you amazingly blind to how ill you are, it’s crazy.”
A college GP referred her for in-patient care and she spent three months in a private psychiatric ward for people with eating disorders. However, the “hospital didn’t really help me. I was grand for a little bit; it was only a case of it got the weight up.” It was several more years before, “I realised I wanted to recover for myself and I think that’s crucial for full recovery”.
It can happen to anyone. There is a lot of emphasis in the media about obesity and weight gain but it’s very important to touch on the other side
Emmy likes to think she is 80 per cent there. Living in Ashbourne, Co Meath and working in childcare, she pays tribute to her boyfriend and her mother for their huge support. “The illness is still in the background but I am very motivated to beat it. I realised remaining ill, I was never going to achieve what I wanted out of life. I want to be a mother; to be able to write and perhaps go back to college.
“Looking back, I have been ill for over 15 years. Recovery is possible for everyone but because I didn’t get or seek that help during my adolescence, it rendered the recovery path very long and very tough.”
During her hospitalisation, a scan showed her bones are osteoporotic and always will be, “probably because I was so malnourished for so long”. That is why she advises parents to act as soon as they begin to suspect their son or daughter might have a problem.
While eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, she believes there are some common behavioural signs such as being defensive over suggestions of weight loss; being furtive around food; cooking for others but not eating it themselves. She would also encourage parents to inform themselves about the illness and what to look out for.
“It can happen to anyone. There is a lot of emphasis in the media about obesity and weight gain but it’s very important to touch on the other side.” At school there was a lot of talk about the health risks of being overweight, “but not a lot of mentions about the danger of being underweight”.
Finally, to parents of adolescents who may be struggling with an eating disorder this Christmas her advice is “be there for them, check in with them frequently”. She found it helpful, in advance of a meal that was going to be particularly difficult, if somebody asked how was she feeling and how they could support her.
Do family things together that don’t revolve around food – such as going for outdoor walks, she adds. “Maybe take away the focus on food – if that’s possible.”
