The last thing we would want to do is stereotype people by age or inclination, but, when it comes to buying Christmas presents, who has time to consider complex nuances of character?
Here are the folks many people have in their circle, and some gifts guaranteed to keep them entertained (or quiet, at least).
Uncle Tom, who doesn’t like to frighten the horses
Tom is a conservative fellow who, despite having decent taste, doesn't like to stretch himself too much. Give him the DVD or Blu-ray sets of the BBC's recent adaptation of Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall. It comes complete with a decent set of extras (and subtitles to clarify the famously muddy dialogue). He'll probably also get on well with a DVD of Asif Kapadia's Amy, a searing documentary on Amy Winehouse. Tom should also tolerate the reliably rockist sounds of Chasing Yesterday by Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds or the roots manoeuvres of Seasick Steve's Sonic Soul Surfer. He's probably been playing FIFA football games for 30 years, so you may as well get him FIFA 16. It's the first in the series to feature female players, you know.
Aunt Bessie, the aging beatnik who still dares to wear a beret
Obviously Bessie likes jazz. So, we will be putting Miles Davis at Newport 1955-1975 her lucky way. The latest in Sony's beautifully packaged "Bootleg Series" of Davis releases takes us from post-bop right up to his fusion experiments in the 1970s. Also from Sony, we have the absurdly over-packed Bob Dylan: The Cutting Edge 1965-1966: The Bootleg Series Vol 12, comprising six CDs of Dylan outtakes and rarities. Aunt Bessie might also like the British Film Institute's beautiful Carl Dreyer Collection. The set contains 11 of the director's great films – including Day of Wrath and Ordet – and an extensive collection of extras.
Your dark cousin Merissa who has just entered art school
She doesn't admit to playing video games, but, with her grim sensibility, she would probably enjoy the excellent Batman: Arkham Knight. A useful stocking-filler, the gorgeous Prune, for iPhone or iPad, offers almost avant-garde pleasures to the recreational gardener. If she doesn't already have the barkingly loud New Bermuda by Deafheaven – dark metal for connoisseurs – then that situation should be quickly rectified. She may also enjoy the thumping, world music rhythms of Sexwitch's self-titled first LP, a creation of Bat for Lashes' Natasha Khan.
Merissa’s irritating young brother Tommy
There's no pleasing children, but, if you want to make an effort, Guitar Hero Live, an attempt to reboot a now-vintage game, should keep Tommy busy (if noisy) on virtually all formats. He is almost certainly a Minecraft addict and will, thus, be gagging for Minecraft: Story Mode: The Order of the Stone, a game that seeks to integrate sandbox entertainment with an old-school point-and-click narrative. Given that it's one of the 10 most lucrative films ever (really!), he's surely already seen Minions, but the DVD does come with three new mini-movies. He should also like Meghan Trainor's debut album Title, because it's got a song about bottoms on it.
The perennially unreconstructed Uncle Geoffrey, who likes noise, explosions and rock
Geoff and everybody who’s not an idiot will want to get their eyes and ears around a copy of George Miller’s Mad Max: Fury Road, one of the greatest-ever disinterments of a discontinued movie franchise (apparently the Blu-Ray version is in 3-D).
We would also point him towards the hilarious, overlooked Big Game, starring Samuel L Jackson as the US president fighting his way through Finnish tundra. What Geoff really wants to do, of course, is play Call of Duty: Black Ops III. The latest game in the first-person combat series brings its thrills to a dystopia in 2065.
Achingly hip Marq (with a “q”) who always turns up, but is related to nobody
Marq will need a copy of Epic by Kamasi Washington; the enormous jazz masterwork is a genuine contender for record of the year. He will also deign to nod a head to the delicious, off-centre r&b sounds of Choose Your Weapon by Australian band Hiatus Kaiyote. To keep the young man content when others are watching the Big Film, get him copies of the year’s best high-brow DVDs. Peter Strickland’s The Duke of Burgundy, a psycho-sexual fantasy, and Roy Andersson’s A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence, a bleak existential comedy, are now available in nice editions from Artificial Eye. Myroslav Slaboshpytskiy’s The Tribe, a Ukrainian film entirely in sign language, is untouchably brilliant.
The mysterious new fiancee of mildly popular second cousin
Oh heck. Just buy her stuff that's worth having. All three series of the transcendent Veep, among the very best US comedies, are now available on DVD. The lovely Marvel show Agent Carter is also out on old-school disks you actually put in a machine. It Follows and Unfriended offer thrilling new angles on the horror film. Natalie Prass's eponymous first album, Julia Holter's Have you in My Wilderness and Olivia Chaney's The Longest River are all gorgeous. Dr Dre's Compton is a return to his very best hip-hop form. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is the sort of role-playing video game you can get totally lost in. An ideal way of shutting out Christmas hell.
