Patrick:
“Awake, drone”
Steve:
“I am awake. Who do you wish me to kill?”
P:
“Ha ha! Silly drone. We’re the Irish Times we don’t want you to kill anyone (yet). We just want you to get some awesome aerial footage. I’m not sure why you’re weaponised.”
S:
“(Aw!) Footage? Of this place? What is this place?”
P:
“This is Electric Picnic 2014 and it’s filled with many interesting people.”
S:
“What is ‘people’?”
P:
“That queasy-looking girl with flowers in her hair and wellies, that grumpy chap in a high-vis jacket, that man in a football jersey choosing a suitable breakfast beer… they are all ‘people’.”
S:
“Is that a ‘people’?” [Points camera at a chicken in the back of the truck in the Trailer Park area]
P:
“Um no. That’s a chicken.”
S:
“Am I a ‘people’?”
P:
“No, you’re a drone.”
S:
“What is my name?”
P:
“Steve. Your name is ‘Steve’.”
S:
“What are they doing?” [Points camera at people engaged in some spirited snogging]
P:
“Well, Steve the Drone, those people are ‘kissing’ which is often a prelude to sexual intercourse. That’s what a people do when they love each other very much. And those people are clearly very much in love and haven’t just met in a drunken haze.”
S:
“What is ‘love’?”
P:
“I really don’t have the word count to get into that.”
S:
“What is ‘pissed’?”
P:
“It’s what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much and go to the off licence.”
S:
“OMG! What is that people doing to that smaller people?” [Points camera at a man pushing a wheelbarrow with a child in it]
P:
“That man is that child’s father and thought it would be a great idea to bring him to a crazed piss-up. He doesn’t realise that it’s a sign of end times”
S:
“He’s wearing cut off trousers and a boating cap.”
P:
“I know”
S:
“Are you my father?”
P:
“Ha, ha! I wish!”
S:
“What is that?” [Points camera at a bearded man in a long fur coat drinking craft beer from a plastic bottle]
P:
“That’s a hipster, Steve.”
S:
“Can I kill it?”
P:
“Um… not yet. They’re a bit passe but they’re still part of our core demographic.”
S:
“What is that?”
P:
“That’s Bonnie Tyler, Steve.”
S:
“She is awesome.”
P:
“She sure is.”
S:
“I am in love.”
P:
“You can’t fall in love with a human woman, Steve!”
S:
“I am sad.”
P:
“What are you doing, Steve?”
S:
“I am drinking alcohol.”
P:
“Where’d you get that fur coat?”
S:
“(Sob) Bonnie I love you so much!”
P:
“Jesus, Steve.”
