Apparently, to increase readership, all we need to do is print the words “fifty shades of grey” over and over again.

All right then. It looks as if the film version of Fifty Shades of Grey, EL James’s preposterous riot of smut, is easing its way rapidly towards realisation. It has just been announced that Kelly Marcel, writer of the TV series Terra Nova, will pen the script. The irritable Bret Easton Ellis is, however, unhappy about the news.

“Kelly Marcel: the creator of (gulp) Terra Nova and a Mary Poppins biopic, has been blessed by EL James and no one can stop her,” the author, who had been touting himself for the job, ranted on Twitter. (Ms Marcel’s next film is a study of PL Travers, author of the Mary Poppins books.)

There was more. “Kelly Marcel?!? KELLY MARCEL?!? Kelly Marcel is WRITING the script for Fifty Shades of Grey?!? THIS is the movie they want to make? ARGH,” Ellis tweeted in an increasingly unhinged fashion.

Gossip has turned to casting. For no good reason, Mila Kunis and Ryan Gosling – both of whom look as if they have more sense – are being touted for the roles of

saucy lady and suave, whip-brandishing seducer.

Hang on, we haven’t said “fifty shades of grey” for a while. Fifty Shades of Grey! Will this do?