Directed by Kirk Jones. Starring Robert De Niro, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale, Sam Rockwell 12A cert, gen release, 99 min

HAVE YOU noticed how Robert De Niro and his old pal Al Pacino appear to be travelling in opposite directions along the creative spectrum? While Al gets ever louder and more shouty, Bob has become increasingly impassive, dozy and unemotional.

It almost plays like a cruel gag when, in this dreary adaption of an only marginally livelier Italian film, De Niro is asked to deliver his most emotional scene while under heavy sedation. See if you can spot the difference between the drugged De Niro and the one in every film he’s released over the past decade.

The once-great man plays Frank, a retiree now suffering from heart problems, who visits each of his children in turn. Amy (Kate Beckinsale), a scrubbed executive, does a bad job of convincing dad that she’s getting on well with her cold husband. Robert (Sam Rockwell), having allowed Frank to believe his is a conductor, turns out to be an occasional percussionist. Rosie (Drew Barrymore) has boasted about her life as a top dancer in Vegas, but – what do you know? – appears to be sitting several spots lower on the food chain.

As you will gather, Everybody's Fineis as schematic as your average computer flow chart. Frank arrives in town. The relevant child tells a few unconvincing lies. Frank gets on the bus wagging his head at the kid's pathetic evasions. Then it all happens again.

The film is as dull as it sounds. Will somebody please give Robert De Niro a hefty poke?