Directed by Alan Poul. Starring Jennifer Lopez, Alex O’Loughlin, Eric Christian Olsen 15A cert, gen release, 106 min
IT’S TRUE. We critics really missed having Jennifer Lopez about the place. When you’ve had a hard month arguing for the virtues of delicate Egyptian romances and intense Russian family dramas, the sight of an incoming J-Lo romcom really gets the juices flowing. Ah, time to put on the hobnail boots and get out the big stick with the splintered edges.
The Back-Up Plandoes not disappoint. Forget your Heigls or your Bullocks. It takes Lopez to deliver a romantic comedy this apocalyptically abysmal. The evil genius behind Monster in Lawand Giglihas not lost her touch.
If you didn't already know that Lopez had spent the last few years having a baby, then a brief glance at The Back-Up Planwould give the game away. The self-indulgence of this project truly makes the eyes water. Rather than offering us a film, Ms Lopez has attached a brief lifestyle fantasy to a hugely detailed, defiantly plotless essay on her own (to me, at least) supernaturally uninteresting pregnancy.
The lifestyle bit consists of putting her in downtown Manhattan and allowing her to run an ethical pet shop some
near a farmer’s market, where a spineless hunk (Alex O’Loughlin) sells ethical cheese.
Before they have a chance to meet up, J-Lo undergoes artificial insemination from an anonymous donor and, after essaying a few feeble gags involving crossed legs at subway stations, joins an evening class for single mothers. Then (no!) the cheesemonger comes into her life.
Here's all you need to know about The Back-Up Plan. When the couple learn that Jennifer is having twins (as did the actress herself), Mr Cheese collapses into a comic faint. Yes, indeed. It's solid-gold comedy from the Precambrian Era.
The rest of the film is taken up with dramatised recreations of chapters from Pregnancy for Dummies. She puts on weight. She has trouble sleeping. He realises that children cost money.
It’s as boring as it sounds. If only Lopez had spent her time away hijacking aeroplanes or blowing up submarines.
