Directed by Richard LaGravenese. Starring Alden Ehrenreich, Alice Englert, Jeremy Irons, Viola Davis, Emmy Rossum, Thomas Mann, Emma Thompson, Eileen Atkins 12A cert, general release, 124 min
Oh dear. The latest Twilight ersatz starts out so well. In a neat reversal of supernatural romantic convention, our mortal guide through spookier dimensions is Ethan (Alden Ehrenreich), a smart-mouthed (male!) jock with his eye on new classmate Lena (Ginger Rosa’s Alice Englert, hitherto best known as the daughter of director Jane Campion). Little does Ethan know that Lena harbours a terrible, dark secret: Jeremy Irons is her uncle. Also, she and her entire family are witches.
In common with the concurrent Warm Bodies, Beautiful Creatures feels instantly familiar: Mr Irons enters dressed in an ensemble that could have been robbed from Gary Oldman’s Dracula; the two young lovers are dappled and Robsten-esque among the trees; the swampy southern gothic is not unlike the kind found in True Blood.
For the first act, while the genuinely charming youngsters are engaging in some well-written getting-to-know-you chitchat, none of this matters. It’s fun, too, watching great British thespians Irons and Emma Thompson doing their best Foghorn Leghorn impersonations. It’s dandy to see Viola Davis in heightened gothic spirits. And then Lena’s extended witch (or “caster”) family get involved and the film suddenly transforms into a B-roll from Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows.
Twilight’s Cullen clan might be ludicrously polished and pouty, but with this mob, we’re half expecting the Monster Mash or a chase involving Scooby and Shaggy. As the tone wobbles, the rest falls over. The special effects are rarely special. Bad movie practice looms large as characters have private conversations out in the open or worse again, narrate the action.
The franchise mythology (be fair warned: there are three more novels in the sequence) gets increasingly tangled in itself. So when Lena turns 16 she will become a witch who may become an evil witch and who, at any rate, is subject to some convoluted curse? Huh? Details pertaining to this dilemma are outlined early and often, leaving Ethan and Lena to undertake the most exciting adventure of them all: research at their local library.
Where has all the puppy love gone? Oh dear.
