REVIEWED - INTO THE BLUE: I like all kinds of garbage. I like Big Macs. I like Rachel Stevens. I like Tunnocks Teacakes. I particularly like the films of that distinguished graduate of Joel Schumacher University, Mr John Stockwell. John's almost clever Crazy/ Beautiful was genuinely beguiling, while his Blue Crush, a moronic surfing drama for the Hooters set, was positively fantastic.

With Into the Blue, Stockwell revisits several aspects of that last film - an aquatic setting, a moratorium on any clothing other than too-small swimwear, the world "blue" in the title - but, though the picture is made with his usual flair, it is just too darn boring even to qualify as a guilty pleasure.

Borrowing certain riffs from 1977's The Deep - a film nobody liked at the time and which has, to my knowledge, yet to be rediscovered by Quentin Tarantino - Into the Blue follows the adventures of two young twits diving in the waters about the Bahamas. When you hear that the heroes are played by the bronze flesh that surrounds the sentient vacuums known to the world as Jessica Alba and Paul Walker, you will understand that no newsprint should (or could) be wasted further detailing the nuances of their personalities.

The ramshackle script, a sub-aquatic version of the old "oh-my-god-a-suitcase-full-of-money" chestnut, puts the two underwear mannequins in the way of a number of angry villains. The loot is actually a stash of cocaine littered about a submerged plane. Right next to it is a ship loaded with treasure. Schools of sharks circle around both. There are pirates out there too. And a villain with a secret lair built beneath a floating island. And giant killer squid.

I have made up surprisingly little of the above.

Directed by John Stockwell. Starring Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin 12A cert, gen release, 110 min